Ventilation

Can I just take a second to vent? That way I don't have to complain to those around me, well unless they read this I guess. I feel like I have been doing my best to not flat out complain lately, but right now I just need to get some stuff off my chest. Also don't bother giving advice if you feel you must comment stick to those of adoration and condolences on my "tough" life.

Our place here in Columbus is bigger BUT it has some of the weirdest kitchen cabinets, we don't even have a drawer that fits a stew pot, crockpot, cereal boxes (without being sideways) or our silverware.  It's also right on the borderline of ghetto. If you go north west the neighborhoods become nice and new and if you go south east it's the exact opposite and FAST. Our townhouse also has basically no overhead lights. Whoever came up with the bright (no pun intended) idea to have certain light switches that control outlets so you only have lamps in a room was an idiot I want to punch them in the face. The next place we go overhead lights with light switches are a must! I hate having lamps they are so annoying, and I don't want to put them on timers. 

I LOVE my children sooooo much, it literally makes me ache sometimes to think about it but DANG! The crying lately is seriously just more than I can handle. And of course I am the one who feels guilty. I have basically started leaving Macy in her bed for 20 ish minutes at a time off and on throughout the day because there is just NO pleasing her. She definitely has colic. And Davie has learned the bloody scream of death when he gets angry... Let's just say when he does it in my face and I am trying to talk to him my patience burns up almost instantly. He has also begun the whining, he has so much more longevity with his whining then I have patience.

And since I am being honest the last thing I have been irritated about is me. Whoever said acne starts and ends in your teens should die a slow painful death. The last couple of weeks have been ridiculous and it's so frustrating because there basically noting I can do about it. The other day I went to the Apple store without any makeup on and when I got there I could not believe how self conscious I felt! Let's just say I won't be doing that again for a while. 

Additionally I've been really irritated with myself for not losing baby weight too. This has been the worst so far which I guess is to be expected with a 3rd pregnancy/ baby but I was really hoping to do better. All the crying doesn't exactly help with my motivation to clean or organize the house, get ready or work out either. I don't know what it is about crying, but it just sucks the life right out of me. By the time nap time comes I just fall asleep, read or watch TV, there is no energy. Funny story, when I was younger I remember wondering why my parents always wanted us to go to bed so badly and thinking what they possibly could be doing that I couldn't be included... NOW I understand and the answer is EVERYTHING. Haha, being alone is golden, quiet is platinum.

 Lastly my hair is in the shedding stage so it's EVERYWHERE and I CANNOT control it! It drives me crazy, ugh!!!!! (all exclamation marks needed)

These are just some of the main issues I have been dealing with lately, but they make life so tough! There is a certain point at which I should be allowed to complain, otherwise my problems become denial and that's not helping anyone either. I promise to blog about my blessings and fun we have had lately next time, for now I just needed to complain and not feel guilty. The end.

A Little Water Never Hurt Anyone

We have a 10x10 storage unit that we have been very quickly filling up in order to make our house as easy to clean as fast as possible, but also to help our place look as big as possible. Well this Friday David and I had spent our day being so very diligent about packing and cleaning (we had our relator coming on Saturday morning).Friday seriously just FLEW by but we got a LOT done and we were feeling pretty good about our progress. 

Frozen water on the ground

Once we had finally gotten to our agreed upon stopping point we loaded up the boxes we had spent all day packing into David's car and headed to our storage unit. Upon opening our unit we immediately realized there was ice/ water on the ground and that it covered a little more than half of the floor. Grreeeeat. 

Wet boxes that have books in them (my heart just dropped)

I won't go into extraneous detail, because it doesn't really add to the story, but the bottom line was nothing that was irreplaceable (like yearbooks or photo books) got wet. Also these pictures are lack luster at best since it was dark, but I think they rightfully portray our level of misery and work. The worst part was completely reorganizing our storage unit in the dark, cold, on slippery ice and in a super short amount of time. It took about 5ish hours (7pm until midnight) and I was not super helpful.

It was an easy fix for boxes that had material in them BUT I've since had to wash about 4 extra loads of laundry. Everything just takes so much time and effort! In the end David's brother again came to our/ my rescue and helped David move and re-stack all the heavier items. The good part is our storage unit is now SUPER organized safe from future incidents (we think) and more roomy (part of David's great organization skills). 

We emptied about 75% of our storage unit that night to put things on pallets and reorganize.

That wasn't the end of the night for David or I though. Around 11pm I took Davie and my little self home, laid Davie down in bed and just went to town on our place. We had scheduled with our relator to meet the next morning at 9:30. This phone call took place about... oh an hour before we realized our storage unit was flooded. 

So poor David came home at midnight and then joined me in the cleaning/ organizing, painting, shuffling, moving and everything else at our house. We stayed up all night, it was frustrating because before the storage unit flooding we knew we were going to be up late but after losing 5 hours we KNEW we were going to HAVE to pull an all-nighter. 

Some of you might be wondering why didn't just re-schedule our appointment with our relator and the answer is this was already our second visit with him to take pictures. The first time we met we went over basics, the second time we did paperwork to list the house and we were supposed to take pictures, but we just weren't ready.

David and I almost called to reschedule the second we saw the ice in our storage unit. For maybe two seconds. Then reality hit us and we realized with a baby being due a week away and my mom coming to visit pulling an all-nighter to just get-it-over-with was WAYYYY worth it. And it was.

This was all topped off on Monday when we went to go to our storage unit only to realize we had misplaced our keys.... It's no surprise since David was already a zombie after coming home at midnight from the storage shed. Then this morning as David was re-installing Davie's carseat and the new baby's in our car he looked on the garage floor and saw his keys. WHEW! Crisis averted, now to make copies ASAP!

I feel like so many incidents like this have been happening to us lately, and they all remind me of this Mormonad- 

Only the opposite... if that makes sense. All this kind of bad stuff keeps happening, but thankfully (so far at least) I feel like I have been able to say it all turned out in the end. Like on Sunday morning, when we realized that for some reason our stupid freezer door had popped open in the night somehow. I was really annoyed, and we did have to throw some stuff away BUT it wasn't as bad as it could have been, just like the water in the storage unit wasn't as bad as it could have been. I'm actually really proud of myself for being able to address these issues this way. It is so tough when you have a plan or action set out that is being executed so well and then "that one thing" happens. I'm learning that unplanned "incidents" can be lived through and as always they make great stories and conversation starters LATER, haha. 

Here's to hoping that in the near future your "incidents" can be lived through and laughed at as well!

Death and Adoption

Every now and then when I am struggling I find myself wandering/ surfing on blogs of mothers who have lost children. Some blogs have become famous because of their experiences and others are just telling it like it is. I remember shortly after giving Colin up a family friend said, adoption is like death because you know your child is in a better place and you are happy for them, but you are not able to see them. As I have come to read more and more "angel mom" blogs I have noticed some very big differences in the kind(s) of loss that is felt.

No matter how much positive information is shared about adoption, it is still looked upon as some sort of social taboo. "Oh you gave your baby up for adoption?" translation- you didn't want to keep your baby? You must have been young and forced into it. You must have had an immoral relationship to end up in that situation and so on. Death, not so much, after all everybody dies it's a natural part of life.

Mourning an adoption feels like something I am often forced to do in private, because it was part of another relationship that ended horribly. Its not a time in my life that I like sharing and many times I don't feel like people know what to say when I do. When I read these blogs I cannot describe my absolute envy that those mom's are able to share their grief with their husbands. I have no one earthly person I can truly share my grief with. David is AMAZING, so supportive, he listens and most of all he loves me, but he was not there with me when it happened and Colin is not his son.

Grieving a lost child is normal and people are easily expected to take weeks, months, years and lifetimes to come to grips with it, but adoption is not the same. When I talk about Colin I still feel like I am raising a social faux pas. It's weird to many people, they don't understand why I need to be able to talk about it and I can often see their inability to understand or discomfort when I openly share my experience. I try not to hold it against people, because I know they mean well, but even those within my family have essentially poo-pooed my mentioning of Colin on various occasions. It's frustrating.

 During my pregnancy with Colin I found that I had shut down emotionally and so now that I have come away from the initial pain talking about my experience brings me relief. I do not desire to talk about Colin often, mainly because I feel that I have moved on quite well, so occasionally when I do want to discuss my experience I wish it was not such an ordeal. 

Another element of adoption compared to the death of a child that I have had to come to reality with is what comes after this life. So many mothers find exquisite comfort in the thought of raising their lost child in the life to come and being sealed to their child forever. Colin was born within the covenant, but he is now sealed to his family and I am now sealed to David. 

This subject can be quite frustrating because my previous sealing to my ex is what initially (among MANY other things) made me feel like adoption would be right for Colin and myself. I did not want to keep my baby only to have my ex refuse to let me and my son be sealed to someone else when the time came. Then even after Colin was sealed to his family I had to wait for my sealing to be broken before I could marry David. It was all very complicated and time consuming, however, I am so very thankful it has all been resolved.

Over the last couple of years I have even noticed that in many ways I also feel a strong connection to those who struggle with infertility. Sometimes even more so than women who have lost a baby, because infertility is the sense of missing something you never really had. If that makes any sense. A while back a read a quote from Laura Bush on a blog about her ordeal with infertility and I was quite moved by it because I KNEW exactly how she felt.

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence.  For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for you loss."  But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives.  Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Another thing I read about infertility that I can relate to so much was basically just a list of personal and/ or inappropriate questions or statements that people love to ask about in our particular circle of religion. The one that used to get me really upset (before I had Davie) was ANY comment related to me dealing with kids, because I nannied and was in nursery/ primary, that said something like "jeesh, isn't that great birth control!?" And no. The answer was always no, especially in nursery because so many of the little boys and girls were Colin's age at the time. The other one that I have learned to let bother me less was comments about "you can have one of our kids!" I know it's a joke and there are certainly days when Davie has me on my last nerve, but I really do my best to not say that EVER. I've learned that begging for a sitter is a much better solution to my troubles.

The fact that I now have Davie definitely eases my pain, but I cannot (and no other birth mother) be expected to be "all better" after having another baby. You can never replace a child. Filling my arms with one baby does not take away the loss of the other, there is no substitution. I think about what my life would be like with Colin in it almost everyday. And one of the only things that makes it better is knowing he has a stable home and had one from the moment he was born.

These are the moments I have to look to the gospel to find meaning in all the horribleness that can be had in the aftermath of my experience. Because I have no one person on this earth that can help me process my feelings I try my best to rely on my Savior for solace. While I was pregnant with Colin and shortly after I found this much easier because my feelings were quite raw and near the surface. As I have come away from this trial my ability to express myself in words, even in prayer, is often lost. I'm still not sure if I can say I am thankful for the experience. I know I am thankful for my life now and I can appreciate the personal strength I have gained from such a pivotal and permanent decision. Just like the death of a child, I have to keep reminding myself that time will heal all and for everything else there is the love of my family, my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

What's My Age Again?

That's right I am titling this post after the popular song by Blink-182. I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, ages really, and since my birthday almost 2 months ago (whaaa?) I decided 25 was a good milestone to start at. In honor of this post I am going to put pictures on here of myself from 10 years ago. I can say this over and over again and it makes less sense every time "ten years ago I was 15." That blows my mind. I remember being 15 like it was yesterday.

 My mother in law tells a story about how when she was 30 and had all 4 kids she had a moment one day where she realized she was an adult. When she first told me that story I was about 22ish give or take and it was before David and I got married. After she told the story she essentially asked me if I knew what she was saying, but also went on to say that I would have moments like that as well as David and I made our way through medical school and life experiences in general. I remember after she told me the story feeling like I knew I was an adult by about 21, technically a little before, but definitely by 21.

 I remember when I initially got married in 2007 thinking how different my life was in so many random little ways and beginning to feel the weight of bills and school on my life. Then by the time my marriage started having real issues I feel like I really grew up a lot the last 6 months, so much so that by the time I was officially separated I knew I was an adult. This is not to say that I was 100% mature or that I was always right, more just that I knew I could do difficult things that other people could not in the name of maturity and selflessness. 

What I guess I still find so amazing though is how rude some people still are in such an agist fashion. As of right now I am closer to 30 than 20 and I will only be growing closer to 30 from now on and farther from age 20. I get so tired of moments when I say things like "oh is that Mrs. so-so older?" to a fellow women and getting responses like "Oh honey don't say that! You make me feel old". I could seriously stab women who do that (my violent side right there, I have such a low tolerance for those comments), ESPECIALLY when they are at best 5 years older than me and have like 1 or 2 more kids than me. Get a grip ladies! When I said older I meant like over 60 older not 32. I get so tired of feeling like I am some kind of new-bee mom because I only have 1 kid. Not only that but I would seriously like to think that I am an intelligent person who can have a reasonable discussion with someone even though I'm 5-10 years younger than them. 

I really try to not let my life detours (so to speak) become who I am but they are part of me. There are women who I know who have technically been married less than me if you count my total time being married who act like I have no clue. I KNOW what I'm doing just as much as you do if not more because getting divorced is an EYE OPENER. BUT I don't want to be that way. I just want to have a decent adult conversation with people is that so hard?! I guess I find myself struggling to be given the credit at 25 that I feel like I deserve. I don't want to be treated like some miniature 40 year old, I'm not into that pseudo intellectual stuff. However, I don't want to be treated like some blonde idiot who only has one child and was married yesterday. 

Why do women do that to each other? I struggle daily with how to fuse my life experiences together in a way that I am confident and secure with sharing. Why does communicating with others have to be so complicated! Age means NOTHING. It really doesn't. I see no reason why women of all ages can't be more friendly to one another regardless of how OLD (aka mature) they think the other is. So yea when experiences like this happen I often find myself singing the "what's my age again" song in pure irony. It makes sense though because I'm so tired of feeling like I have to explain myself to people when I simply want to be listened to. What kills me even more is I notice myself doing it to other women and I have tried super hard to nip that in the butt because I don't wan to be perpetuating this agism that we women (Mormons especially since we tend to take on life experiences like having children at younger ages) can get so caught up in. 

So the next time you are in church, school, town whatever just promise me that you can help me by NOT getting so caught up in age and what level of maturity you think someone may or may not be compared to you. We as women already do so many things to frustrate one another lets not make age one of those points of frustration it's just not worth it!

36 hours

David is currently doing his last medical school rotation for his third year, which is OBGYN. He chose to do OBGYN last because he was pretty sure he had no interest in it, thank goodness he still feels that way. The downside to him finishing his last rotation is that he has been in Lima for the past 5 weeks. Lima is an hour and a half away. I am about to finish my first summer session this weekend but because of all the reading, like 4 & 5 chapters a class times about 15 pages, I needed some full time extra help. This week and last Friday Davie has been going to a Daycare that is literally around the corner from us (sooo convenient!). In fact I have walked with him in the stroller on the way there and picked him up on foot as well. It makes for a nice outing for the two of us. 

Now for the fun part, notice the title of my blog says 36 hours? Good I thought you might. Well here's where it becomes relevant. In the last 36 hours I have dealt with poop in the tub AND Davie puking twice! Ugghhhhh!!! If you saw my status update on Facebook you will know that I don't "Do" lots of poop or puke. I have been blessed with David who doesn't really seem to care a whole lot. Turns out when you decide you want to cut people up... I mean be a surgeon for a living poop and puke don't really phase you. 

On Sunday Davie was in the tub and I was curling my hair at the sink right next to him when I look over and POOP! I have no idea when it happened, but I got to (somehow) keep my screaming child (he LOVES the bath and hates when I take him out) still next to the tub while I sifted out the big pieces, washed everything else down the drain and then washed every toy and bottle that had been in the tub. I was teaching the lesson in Relief Society too so the extra time I had hoped to go over my lesson was spent re-washing my baby and completely missing sacrament meeting. Up to that point we had been on time.  I really miss my husband.

Yesterday after Daycare Davie and I took a walk outside, I let him run around in the front yard of our condo and basically just get nice and dirty like little boys are supposed to outside. That night I let him fill up the tub SUPER full, haha it was almost up to his shoulders! It was really fun to watch him swim around like a frog and laugh because he was floating everywhere. Then I had him lay on his back and was trying to get him to float (which we have done before with less water). He kept laughing and kicking his legs even though I was trying to get him to calm down and in the middle of a big laugh he threw his back, threw off his balance and dunked himself backwards. Because he was on his back it all went right up his nose! I quickly stood him up and was trying to calm him down again and he spit out some water, followed by most of his dinner..... great! Again I wrestled with a baby while sifting out the tub and washing off his tub toys. Thank goodness it was bedtime! Game Over!!

Today after dinner Davie started crying and I decided to see if he was teething since he woke up with a fever but no cough or mucous in his eyes or nose. I laid him down and was attempting to touch his gums when he just freaked out and I'm not sure but I think he must have swallowed some spit down the wrong tube. Seconds later he puked a tiny bit but luckily I had his dirty shirt from the day to catch it. I picked him up and was trying to console him and BLEH! He threw up again. I love him to death but he is such a SPAZ! Thankfully (kind of) most of it did not end up on me, it ended up on the carpet and down his front. So yea, that happened.

The only picture you get is this video. Davie has missed David like crazy and when he hears random noises outside he will perk up like a wild animal and start running for the door and shouting "Daddy! Daddy?!?" And it's so sad because he's like half crying half laughing and slightly hysterical. Also I'm not typically big on letting Davie run around sans clothes but he was so hot today and I knew it would help him cool down.

And that ladies and gentlemen pretty much sums up my last 36 hours, poop and puke. Also in case I haven't said it yet I really miss my husband.

Unplugged

Just a friendly FYI I have recently deactivated my Facebook account. Yup I'm unplugging. No need to worry if I un-friended you (all 5 of you cuz yea I'm that cool). Between this last school semester of 16 credits, Davie, David being gone, some travel and everything else in life I have decided that I just can't waste my time on Facebook for the foreseeable future. Have I also mentioned that Facebook kind of annoys me? Yea, it does. I get really tired of the "repost this if.... blah, blah, blah" or check out this pinterest (NO!) and the memes were funny at first, but really I end up feeling like I have to sift through several pages of PURE garbage just to see pictures of my friends and family. I want to see and share stuff like this...

 Davie's new (kind of it's almost three months old now) Cheeser smile

 Hey Mom, what are you doing?

 What? Am I in the way??

 If I smile like this can I do what you are doing??

 Look at those teeth!

Such a cheeser!! He is the most independent baby on the planet when he wants to be, except for any time he thinks you should include him. For a kid who despises cuddling he sure does want to be right by my side. He is already internally conflicted :)

 Lastly in less than a week I will start my summer block of school May 13- June 21 and I will be taking at least 12 credits (I'm signed up for 15 but we will see how I cope). So yea I am going to be doing my best to only update my blog since it's more important anyways and all my family and fiends who actually care can check in on me whenever and I hope to update much more often that way. 

Biting My Tongue

I'll admit that aside from being busy with school, Davie, David and life another one of the reasons why I haven't been blogging too much lately is I have felt really negative. Not all the time but a couple of times a week I almost literally find myself wallowing in all of my frustrations, past and present, and something else that I hate to admit- jealousy. I have struggled a TON with jealousy over the last couple of years for countless reasons and in just about every situation and it's really quite embarrassing even to admit! 

A couple of months ago I literally found myself, in the span of 15 minutes, being jealous of a friend who recently graduated from her graduate program (she has no kids) and another who had just found out she was having another baby.... wow, really Kari? To begin with I hope that shows how ridiculous I feel and how silly my jealousy can be at times because having babies and graduate school don't typically go hand in hand. And I was really bothered by both, which just gets me even more upset with myself. Haha and then all the ladies wonder why I don't do pinterest.

 Not to mention the weather here about this time of year makes me so... just... bleh, claustrophobic, lazy, grumpy etc!The picture above was my house on Monday at 8 am... I had to keep the lights on all day. It's dark and cloudy almost everyday and the rare sunny days that are few and far between the sun doesn't even typically come out for the entire day either. That is one thing I have learned about myself, I can handle the cold NO problem but cold without the sun? No way! Lets just say that I am ready for Spring. Days like today and the ones that have been happening make me DESPERATELY wish I was closer to friends and family, living away from friendly faces can be so disheartening at times. So yea... that's how it's been and in attempt to not use my blog as "Negativity-ville" I have avoided it entirely, but like all of us who miss the sun when it comes back life will get better.

It Pays to Fly

This is a small update. When we flew in December to Idaho for Christmas I lost Davie's bag, or rather the airlines did. I handed the lady at the check in counter both of my bags, she took both of them and put them on the conveyer belt... but apparently she didn't bother to tag the one that had Davie's things in it. This really wouldn't have been THAT sad except for the part where I had ALL of Davie's brand new clothes in that suitcase! UGH! Seriously, I had just spent about $50 at Old Navy on some of the CUTEST stuff ever (I know lots of caps in this paragraph just stick with me), but the tricky part was all of his new clothes were on like SUPER clearance (like $1 for pants etc). Also he had finally started to fit into some of the really cool clothes I had been slowly picking up at our local second hand store. I was also completely convinced that Davie's brand coat, Toledo Rockets hat and gloves, and monster hat were all in his suitcase as well.  

Dino pajamas- gone

cute monster hat- gone

I can barely move my arms!

He is pouty in this picture because he did NOT like wearing his coat :(

The super cute Ralph Lauren puff vest was like $3 or something there was no way I could replace it for that!

So when I got to sit down and write out the report for his luggage I wrote out what his clothes were worth I wrote down the cost of his clothes originally because I knew there was no way I would replace them for what I had paid. When I initially started searching for my bag the lady who worked for SouthWest told me that technically it wasn't their fault that my bag was lost because it wasn't tagged... WHAT!? I laughed but only because I was ready to strangle her, which would have been unfortunate because she was being helpful and was pretty nice. It was just frustrating to be told that the airlines may not have been "technically responsible" when their employee was the reason for my bag not being tagged. 

no more polar bear outfit 

This candy cane stripped outfit was one I was more upset about! It was soooo cute and I figured there was no reason why I couldn't put a girl in it as well because it was so adorable. I liked the hoodie outfits at Old Navy as you can see below and they just happened to ALL be on sale. 

David's mom and I spent the evening picking up clothes for Davie in the likely event that Davie's bag was not found. Initially they said that both of my bags were gone, but VERY thankfully I got mine within the same day and from that moment on I decided to accept the fact that I would never see Davie's bag again. That way if it came it would be a pleasant surprise and if not I wouldn't be anymore disappointed than I already was. When I got my suitcase lo and behold there was Davie's coat! This is the second time that I randomly packed something important in a suitcase that was not left or lost somewhere else. The first time Davie's blessing outfit was packed in David's suitcase, so the outfit had not gotten left behind in Detroit with the rest of Davie's stuff. This is where my spastic packing skills comes in handy ;)

Grandmas sent these fuzzy jammies and he wore them like twice before we packed them for the trip. The Long story short is about a week and a half ago I got a letter in the mail from Southwest that said they had received my claim and were (get this) actually planning on sending me money to reimburse me!!! I got the actual check this week, so even though I was irritated at Southwest they took care of my problem pretty quickly for it being the holiday season and all that jazz.

 I was soooooo happy! So even though we had already basically replaced Davie's entire suitcase it was ok because this meant I was getting paid for the stuff we had to buy... again. And Davie lived clothed happily ever after :)

Blog Therapy

I was going to title this post “Mother’s Day Blog Therapy” but I was afraid I might sound to upset or bitter. So instead this is just me using my blog as therapy. What to say about Mother's Day, or rather what isn't there to say. It's a day that I have always loved, because I was raised by a rather terrific Mother myself, who some how did the impossible of being my friend and parent throughout my entire life (including the teen years, impressive I know). However, over the past three years it has become a day of extremely mixed emotions for me. Living here in Toledo also creates another interesting aspect of the day for me.

So having said all that I'll now say this, I have grown up a lot in the last three years, A LOT. And yet the last two years on Mother's Day I wake up and I think "No big". Then I go to church I just feel miserable. Here in Toledo was worse than in Idaho because there everyone knows my story (are you beginning to see the double edged sword?). It is nice to feel like everyone here doesn't know EVERYTHING about me but at the same time I HATE, make sure you get that HATE, being clumped into the "newly wed/ baby-adult" category. I am a Mom, and will be even more so in the future, it’s just complicated.

I know that no one here knows they do it but it still really bothers me. I also struggle when ladies start talking to me about their kid as if I know nothing about kids and Colin is older than their boy/ or girl they are telling me about. I have to make sure I put lots of disclaimers on this post, my previous statement isn't to say I know what raising a kid is truly like BUT I just wish I could feel more involved in the conversation without telling them my life story. Typically it's not worth saying "oh ya, I got divorced while I was pregnant so I decided to give my baby up for adoption" just to be included in a conversation about pregnancy (which you ladies LOVE), but I HATE acting or feeling like I'm just some little newly wed, who hasn't been through "tough" times yet. No I haven't worked my husband through medical  school yet, no we haven't been married a year yet and yes I don't have personal experience of raising my own kid, but I'm no kindergartener either.

I have given this analogy to several people and I feel like it's the best way to describe how I feel. Suppose you did two years of school and it was REALLY tough, and then you HAD to change your major and start all over. I feel like this is my 3rd almost 4th year of school but because of changing my major I'm getting stuck with the freshman again. David’s undergrad is a degree that can take up to 6 years to get and he got it in 4 years. He graduated as a single guy from BYU, that is tough stuff, but he learned to be very patient and diligent. He still has his moments but for the most part he is VERY mature. We essentially never fight, and not because we are in the “honeymoon phase” it’s because we just get along. I’ve learned to chill out a little (a little) and he is calm enough to help me through my struggles. So when others think about how long the two of us have been together and judge our relationship on time, ya it bugs me.

  

Now that I have vented, a couple of times, I’ll move on to the more specific topic of Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just going to be a struggle until I have my own kid. I have not ever regretted my decision to give Colin up, he is so happy and so am I, but I still get sad. The best example I have is this- I have wanted to be a Mom since I was very little. The one thing I always, ALWAYS, always knew I wanted was a family. I didn’t however know whether I wanted to go to college or Beauty school or what career I wanted, but I always knew I wanted to have kids.  I know I have said similar type things before but it is true. Watching all my friends, acquaintances and family members have kids before me is exasperatingly painful. Especially when they are younger than me or I can remember them acting like they weren’t sure if they wanted to have kids, or very many, or they acted like they would rather have a career.

Giving a baby up for adoption is like losing a baby. You know they are in a better place and that they are loved and being taken care of but all you can do is imagine what they are really like. You miss them, all the time. And you only remember them the way they were when you had to say good-bye. I had someone share that with me right after I gave up Colin and it made me feel better. Sometimes it is so hard to put into words how I feel/ felt and that hit it right on.

 Thank you Meagan Baxter for what you said on my Truth post a couple of months ago our babies are a part of us and there really is an instant unconditional love that every mother feels. That is so true. I think about Colin everyday and I love him so much. The number one positive thing this whole experience has taught me is that our Heavenly Father loves us beyond anything we can imagine! There is no way our Heavenly Father could love me or anyone else any less than a mother loves her baby. I am so thankful to have that knowledge and to have had such a wonderful mother myself. I also hope that all of you who read this who have your own babies will make sure you give them an extra hug or kiss for all the Moms out there who have been through what I have been through or have lost a baby. Hopefully I haven’t upset anyone. I only hope that we can all learn to be more sensitive to our fellow ladies because we never know what they are going through or have been through.

This post was a load off my shoulders.

Kari and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Some days are good and other days... you wake up, have cake for breakfast, which you know is a BAD choice but you do it anyway, go on to suffer from a horrible tummy ache and nausea for the rest of the day, have to go to work anyways because you are one of only three people that work there, have absolutely no walk-ins while at work until a little over an hour before you close, you go over on that appointment and they don't tip you, which makes you late closing the salon, you get home and think finally a good thing because you get a $60 refund check in the mail from BYU-I, only to realize that you also got a traffic violation for twice that amount, your first ticket in five years I might add, and all because you didn't stop before turning right on a red light..... Tomorrow better turn out better or I'll just go back to bed.

Stress

Today started off really well. I went to my doctor app. found out that I was dialated to a 3 and the midwife stripped my membranes. I was really hoping (and still am) that it will help move things along. It either takes effect within the next 24 to 48 hours or it does nothing- so I'm hoping. Then everything went downhill, FAST.

I have been avoiding the subject of the Ex for a while now even though it effects me almost daily. But if I don't vent about this I'm going to explode. He has decided that when I have the baby he wants to have his whole family circus there. Now in a normal situation that would be fine. In this situation though it's not. This is a rhetorical question for the most part, but how would you feel if you spent the last 5 months being pregnant with absolutely NO support from your Ex OR his family? Now how would you feel after you go through all that and the pain of labor and you know your going to give your baby up to have his family think that they should be allowed to share in ANY of YOUR hard work?

I'll tell you how I feel, used. The fact that they could be as selfish to pretend that they care just so that they can see the baby, once I have done all the work makes me so mad I just cry. I just wish that he would give me one thing and that is to keep his crazy family from my kid until it goes home with his adoptive family where he belongs. Once again he has NO clue what I have been going through for the last 5 months and today he just calls up and leaves a nasty voicemail telling me his demands, or he claims he won't follow through with the adoption. MEMO TO HIM- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND THE PRODUCT OF YOUR OWN DECISIONS, NOT MINE!!!! Like I have said perviously, the divorce part has not been difficult for me and in a way I'm glad he's the one who decided to end it, since I would never want to be responsible for breaking my convanants over the issues we had been having. I just wish if that was how he felt he would have skipped away BEFORE the baby.

I just don't get it. I paid the bills in the divorce, let him keep money that was literally and legally half mine, let him keep the car, and haven't bothered him since and he cannot do anything for me. It's like constantly losing when you know your playing fair. I have had to carry around this baby alone. Go to doctors appointments with no husband, listen to my baby's heartbeat knowing that I don't get to keep him and explain my situation to people when they realize I'm not married (anymore). I know he hasn't done any of that. And the ONLY thing I'm asking is that he keep his family that deserted me and was unkind to me the entire time we were married out of all this, and he won't even do that.

My struggle is where can I find closure? He's insisting that he get his but at this point I'm so tired of him running the show I could die (literally). I have never had to deal with anyone who was so selfish everytime I have asked for ANYTHING in ANY of this he has said no or said yes and done the opposite. I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't understand why his family insits on being this way. They can support him without torturing me. I just can't wait till days like this don't exist. I hate crying till I have a headache and getting so mad and worried that I feel sick. I refuse to let this stuff change my mind but why does it have to be so hard, on me? I just can't win.

What's going on

Ok so today I had another dr. app and I found out that baby is head down. Which acutally makes less sense then what I thought except for the part where his head is what is pushing on my bladder. That makes alot of sense haha it's no wonder I have to use the restroom every hour. I was so sad beacuase today I found out that my dr. only induces after 39 weeks. I want my baby to be healthy and happy and big (enough) but I seriously am ready to die at the thought of 7-8+ more weeks of this! In other news I got my license!!! Even with the "update" on my "new address" I sent them, they still sent it to my old appartment. I was so irritated when I found that out. The other part that upset me was they sent it to The Ex mother-in-law's house instead of forwarding it to me. Lucky me I got to meet up with the Ex (in person) to get it. I'll admit at least he showed, I just hate feeling like I have to go through him to get anything. It makes me nervous, because I never know if he's going to tell the truth or simply change his mind (so drama and stress).

Then of course my license said Kari ******** all over all of it, can you say anger? The other "good" thing would be that my divorce is final now. I got my papers on Monday. Haha I cried, it was not a feeling I liked. It was like being furious, sad, and happy all at once. Not fun and not to mention a little confusing for my brain to process. It's nice to be a Christiansen again I always did love my last name. So that's all for now I guess.