5 Years

Five years ago this month I literally thought my life was over.

I documented almost every day of the half horrible half wonderful year of 2009. Sometimes I am glad and other times I wish I hadn't. However, if I hadn't I would probably have forgotten much of the first 5 months. There are many entries from that first month where in the middle of talking about my day I suddenly say "I cried again today" and nothing else. Some of the words I used often that first month were alone, cheated, lonely, helpless, abandoned, useless, and betrayed. I felt like everything I had ever worked for, temple marriage and an eternal family were stolen from me. I have always been the kind of person who is highly self criticizing and being around others who treated me in such a critical way was horrible for my personal, and mental well being. Not only that, but I had been (and still am) the kind of person who very purposefully avoided situations that could bring me grief and here I was thrown into my worst nightmare completely helpless to do anything about it.

 The first five months I lived half my life in survival mode, crisis aversion and the other half in pure breakdown. I have not talked too much about this part of my ordeal since Colin is obviously more important to me then remembering a relationship that was so incredibly hurtful to me.

 It's amazing because I can still remember the horrible sick plummeting feeling as my stomach fell to the ground as my Ex revealed his real intentions. What's weird is even now when I think about the horrible months that lead up to that moment I am numb from the true emotion I felt at the time. I remember it but I can no longer feel it. I think that has been my greatest blessing in the whole situation is how well I have been able to forget how emotionally painful so much of that 5 months was.

Five years ago if you had told me I would be married, pregnant with my second (third) baby, and about to finish my bachelors I would not have believed you. I never could have imagined. To think that the people around me are now so different then what I had before is such an amazing blessing. I initially started blogging because my sister in law at the time had prodded me into it and I thought it would be fun to document my first baby's arrival. Within months of starting the blog I was getting divorced and changing my address. Other than that not much has changed. I still use my blog to share about my life, what's going on, to relate to others and get reassurance from friends.

I have avoided talking about this day for several years now because as much as it still affects me at times I didn't want it to become me. I didn't want to be known as "that girl who married young and got divorced so she gave her baby up for adoption" whew such a mouth full. Although I do realize that my blog definitely caught readers with my experience.

I cannot begin to describe how thankful I am for the people that are now in my life and the places they have helped me go. Davie has made January a whole new experience for me. I now think of him, the day he was born, his birthday and birthdays to come when I think about January and not that horrible month 5 years ago. I guess this is a post to say I'm still alive, thank you and I love you to my husband, friends and family who have done nothing but uplift and help me through. For all of you experiencing tragedy in your lives, whatever it may be just remember it has a purpose and an end, just like everything else in this life. And last but not least I want to thank my Savior who comforted me so much during that first cold lonely month 5 years ago. 

My Silver Lining

Davie woke up with a fever today and I was not able to take him to daycare- STRESS! I didn't use my time on Monday very well I helped out one of my visiting teaching ladies and in all I just wasn't very focused. So I am hoping that tomorrow Davie will feel better and I will be able to really study. 

This is us this morning. We read books for probably 45 minutes and I would have kept going but I knew he needed to eat. It was pure heaven. I told David I felt bad because I enjoyed Davie soooo much today! He wanted to snuggle and cuddle which is something he seriously never EVER does even if he is sick. At the store he grabbed my hand and wanted me to hold his and later grabbed my hand and wanted me to put it around him while he was sitting in the baby cart seat. At a different store he actually was asleep as I carried him in and didn't wake up for several minutes. There's a first time for everything.

Blessing Davie

Davie's blessing day went really well and it was great to have our Dad's and both of David's Grandpas to bless little Davie. Here are pictures. 

This is Davie waiting to get dressed. He doesn't spit up much but when he does it is when I least suspect it so we did dress him until the last minute and then we made him wear a bib just in case. 

stage fright

After the blessing. Look how tall my little brothers are!

Four generations right there

Being calm, for a second

I fed the little guy right before we went to church but by the time we got home he was hungry. However when you have a house full of people who want to take their church clothes off you have to take pictures ASAP. So I am sharing some of the funny faces he made while crying, your welcome. 

age order

Davie and his grandpas

Davie with his Grandmas

Davie being sad 

our little family 

Davie and I with my bros

Haha I don't know why but his little face makes me chuckle, that poor hungry baby! We made him get his picture taken lots. 

not as unhappy now

ahhh, if I don't get some food I'm going to die!

maybe not

Great Grandpa and Grandma Warden

My family

Warden Siblings

We took a break to change and feed him and even though he is sad in this picture he looked so stinkin cute!

All full and worn out

Then we took more pictures, poor boy just wanted to not take pictures he is just like his daddy. 

Great Grandpa and Grandma Johnson

Sisters

This is one of the little neighbor boys names Jacob and he kept looking at Davie so I finally asked him if he wanted to hold him and he said "Yes!" I thought it was cute how excited he was. 

Haha poor boy didn't know what he was in for. Looking over these pictures you might think "yeesh does Davie ever stop crying" but he really was very good that day (and night I might add). 

Auntie Jessica

Family dinner and socializing 

This is Paul he is Jacob's brother and if any of you remember my post about Adventures in Babysitting this is the boy who jumped on the chair at hard hat. He is full of attitude, haha, but when you are 5th of 6 boys in a row you have to be able to hold your own. 

This is another brother of Jacob's, his name is Ben. I thought it was so sweet how two of the boys wanted to hold Davie they both did so good and said that they missed having babies at their house. Such good boys. 

That is the youngest brother Seth. Davie had a binky in his mouth and Seth put his finger in the little whole and then proclaimed "haha if you put your finger in the hole he nibbles on your finger!" It was soooo cute and funny, I laughed quite a bit. 

Here is our little family in the Dengus University T-shirts Jessica got us 

Simba pose. David loves this one. 

All of these guys right here had to go back to p-town so they all said good-bye to Davie. 

Then grandma Deidre got to hold the baby

Odin was gaurding Davie, he is a baby veteran so he wasn't afraid or jealous what a good doggy and what a GREAT day. Thank you to everyone who helped and did anything to help, we love and appreciate you all more than we could ever say!!!

All Night Long

Last night I got to sleep ALL night. It's true. Unfortunately it had nothing to do with Baby Davie. I'm not about to complain because at night the kid has never given me less than 3 hours of sleep and lately its been closer to 4 hours and some change; the little guy sleeps like a champ. It's just that I haven't had a night of uninterrupted sleep since January 16th! My wonderful husband suggested that once a week he take Davie's night time feeding so that I could sleep more... wha? I know right? I was all over that. Last night was the first. 

These pictures are totally unrelated but cute anyways. This is David's "Ice Age" wrap, you know like the movie Ice Age.

Big old bundle, there is more bundle than baby.

Haha, I think David knows a little more how I feel now. I guess he fed Davie a whole bottle then tried to lay him down but Davie was having none of it and he just cried. So David went back out to the kitchen and  heated up some more milk. Second time is the charm. This little guy can down about 8 oz! I can't even number how many times I have fed him changed him fed him some more (the changing in the middle is how I wake him up) and then when I laid him back down he started to cry. So I take the little guy back to the living room and feed him more! It wouldn't be so frustrating if Davie would just stay awake, seriously the little guy is a professional when it comes to snoozing on the job. I'm totally cool with him sleeping but I want to sleep too. I think the older he gets the better he is getting and the better he will get but last night it was great to let someone else experience the ravenous hunger of Baby Davie :)

 showing off his skills

 This picture is a better representation of how fluffy the blanky was.

Don't worry we moved the stuff away from his face before we really put him to sleep.

Last but not least the "Mother Teresa" wrap, with a little bit of a Davie smile in there, darn he's cute :)

Baby Davie

This is all about our little Davie. He is three weeks old already, which is crazy because at this exact time on the 18th we didn't even have him yet. The first thing I would like to say about him is he has been such a GREAT baby! I can honestly say that even though I am tired at times it is NOTHING close to what I was preparing for. 

I thought I was never going to sleep again but Little Davie sleeps anywhere from 2-4 hours at a time at night. His first week and a half my Mom and I stayed up until midnight with him and he would wake up at 3 am, 6 am and again at 9 am. Now we are going to bed at ten but the pattern is pretty much the same. 

That really is not that bad for a newborn. We have had one or two more difficult nights but nothing more than that and never back to back. After his difficult nights I always make sure I thank my heavenly father for how good he usually is! 

little binky face

The many faces of sleep

Great Granny Lou sent Davie this super cute and SOFT blanky. It came rolled up in a pillow pet sheep, Davie already loves it. 

Davie is SuPeR cuddly, easy to console, a great eater, a consistent sleeper, and true to being a boy he lets some pretty loud noises out of that cute little bottom of his. I feel so immature because every time he toots I laugh like a little second grader but for as small as he is and as loud as those noises are its pretty cute! And impressive, I'm always surprised.

Baby bum. When bums are this little everyone thinks they are cute.

 

At his first pediatric appointment he weighed 7 lbs. We then had a breastfeeding appointment where he weighed 7 lb 4 oz at two weeks and a follow up pediatric appointment where he weighed 7 lb 8 oz a day after the breastfeeding appointment. 

Thankfully he is definitely gaining and so far neither of us have had any significant problems with him breastfeeding. The only issues Davie has had is putting his hands in the way of food (he just loves to help) which of course frustrates him and he loves to shake his head a bunch instead of just latching on, also frustrating him. 

baby toes

I call him my little piglet because most of the time when he eats he tends to suckle pretty loudly. At night he doesn't typically wake me up by crying instead he usually starts grunting a whole bunch.

Davie pretending like he has fat rolls

We love everything about our little Davie but here are some of our more favorite and cute things he does. 

When he yawns he makes this super cute little "Ah- uhhh" noise and it sounds just like a little Disney baby. Also when he cries it is so sad! Every Mom feels this way. He makes this little "Gah! Gaaahh!" noise and even though it makes me sad for him, it too is so cute I can't help but smile a little too. For the most part he only cries when he is hungry or naked, changing his diaper is definitely not one of his favorite pastimes. 

His hair is beyond awesome! I'm still a little sad I can't put bows in it but I make up for it by constantly running my fingers through his hair. Messing it up, smoothing it down, brushing it and of course smelling it, LOVE little baby smell. 

When I burp him he gets all balled up on my chest and as I pat him he tends to make little humming sounds like this pat, hmmmm, pat, hmmm.  Sometimes I'll hum a little and I think he does it more, it's pretty cute.

 I used to try and position him over one of my shoulders to burp him but he would always find his way to the middle of my chest and cuddle his little head under my chin,

like so.

Can't argue with that! I easily spend WAY too much time with him like this because I just love it so much. The day I realized this I felt the Mom thing big time. It was nice to have him want to be on my skin and now I always position him that way so he doesn't have to wiggle and struggle his way there. 

Sometimes I still just can't believe he is here, and he is all mine! Well David's too :) David does a great job helping especially in the morning when I need an extra second. Dad will change the little guys diaper for me. The best way to describe how I feel when I look at him is this- You know how if you say the word car enough times it starts to lose its meaning? After a while you wonder how those sounds can represent what you are talking about. That's how I feel. The longer I look at him the more it just blows my mind that he is here, alive, a tiny little person, with thoughts and feelings. It's pretty amazing and I am so thankful for him and his super sweet spirit and laid back personality. I can't say I enjoyed waiting for him but he was worth it! I am so thankful, now if I could just absorb every second more fully I would be happy, but lets face it there is no such thing. It is a big responsibility but so far I am loving almost every minute.