Great News

I just got a letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, office of the First Presidency, last night. As of October 19th 2010, David and I can plan to get sealed in the Temple on our 1 year anniversary. I was so happy I cried, what great news!!!! I felt the spirit so strong after I realized what the letter said, I just know David and I were meant to be together. After my experience with David at the Temple two weeks ago I am so happy to know that I can start planning to be sealed to him. What a great blessing. Everytime I am with David I understand the importance of marriage and how absolutely great it truly can be if you follow the gospel and you pick the right person.

Stress

Today started off really well. I went to my doctor app. found out that I was dialated to a 3 and the midwife stripped my membranes. I was really hoping (and still am) that it will help move things along. It either takes effect within the next 24 to 48 hours or it does nothing- so I'm hoping. Then everything went downhill, FAST.

I have been avoiding the subject of the Ex for a while now even though it effects me almost daily. But if I don't vent about this I'm going to explode. He has decided that when I have the baby he wants to have his whole family circus there. Now in a normal situation that would be fine. In this situation though it's not. This is a rhetorical question for the most part, but how would you feel if you spent the last 5 months being pregnant with absolutely NO support from your Ex OR his family? Now how would you feel after you go through all that and the pain of labor and you know your going to give your baby up to have his family think that they should be allowed to share in ANY of YOUR hard work?

I'll tell you how I feel, used. The fact that they could be as selfish to pretend that they care just so that they can see the baby, once I have done all the work makes me so mad I just cry. I just wish that he would give me one thing and that is to keep his crazy family from my kid until it goes home with his adoptive family where he belongs. Once again he has NO clue what I have been going through for the last 5 months and today he just calls up and leaves a nasty voicemail telling me his demands, or he claims he won't follow through with the adoption. MEMO TO HIM- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND THE PRODUCT OF YOUR OWN DECISIONS, NOT MINE!!!! Like I have said perviously, the divorce part has not been difficult for me and in a way I'm glad he's the one who decided to end it, since I would never want to be responsible for breaking my convanants over the issues we had been having. I just wish if that was how he felt he would have skipped away BEFORE the baby.

I just don't get it. I paid the bills in the divorce, let him keep money that was literally and legally half mine, let him keep the car, and haven't bothered him since and he cannot do anything for me. It's like constantly losing when you know your playing fair. I have had to carry around this baby alone. Go to doctors appointments with no husband, listen to my baby's heartbeat knowing that I don't get to keep him and explain my situation to people when they realize I'm not married (anymore). I know he hasn't done any of that. And the ONLY thing I'm asking is that he keep his family that deserted me and was unkind to me the entire time we were married out of all this, and he won't even do that.

My struggle is where can I find closure? He's insisting that he get his but at this point I'm so tired of him running the show I could die (literally). I have never had to deal with anyone who was so selfish everytime I have asked for ANYTHING in ANY of this he has said no or said yes and done the opposite. I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't understand why his family insits on being this way. They can support him without torturing me. I just can't wait till days like this don't exist. I hate crying till I have a headache and getting so mad and worried that I feel sick. I refuse to let this stuff change my mind but why does it have to be so hard, on me? I just can't win.

Divorce

I know I haven't really said much about this particular part of what's been going on in my life on here, but I just felt like I needed to set everyone straight on a few things. First- I don't want anyone feeling bad about what happened as far as my Ex walking out goes. It's been very hard but not in the way I would ever have imagined. I cry way more about the fact he doesn't care about our son then the fact that he was ok walking out on me. If it wasn't for the baby this situation would be such a relief for me.

Second- I honestly have felt so much better about myself since he left. My Ex and most of his family were not very kind to me... ever. I was constently left feeling like I just wasn't good enough when I knew I was and that I was trying my best, being told I was unkind, unthoughtful, immature and the list goes on and on and on.  I cried about it way too much, no one wants to feel that way, most especailly when the people who make you feel that way are supposed to be your "family". The whole thing was just a joke. If I offended someone (over ANYTHING) it was held against me forever, but when I was offended it was like "get over it all ready," well that is if my feelings were ever even addressed, which was almost never. The best thing for me right now is to get as far away from them and that situation as possible. Thankfully the Ex has made that very easy. He barely answers any form of communication I try (which isn't very often), even when I was trying to get his mail to him. I haven't even seen him in person since the 12th of January and I think that speaks for itself.

I want all my friends and family who read this to know that I love you so much and appreciate so much the support and compliments you have given me recently. You have made me see that I have been selling myself short. Not that I don't have flaws (boy do I ever) I have plenty, but I was forgetting about my potential completely. I often read your comments and all I can do is cry, the out pour of Love from everyone has been so amazing! I love all of you so much and I don't know what I would do without you.

Recently one of my friends gave me the greatest compliment I have recieved in a LONG time it may sound silly, but he told me I was all grown up, and that I was a woman now. I have been being told that I am imature for the last 2 years, and treated that way. I amost cried when he said it because I knew he meant it and I knew it was true. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm not sad about the divorce that only lasted about a week. I know there is someone else out there for me and I'm not worried about that at all.

I also know that because of the choices I have made my life has been very easy, my Heavenly Father has blessed me SO much. I have never had a really difficult physical trial in my entire life, so if this is what this lesson is I guess I can handle that. It goes along with my goal for this year to let Heavenly Father make more of me then I can of myself. This is just one of those times where I will have to hang on and trust. Life isn't always about the good choices "you" make sometimes you learn how to deal with other people's agency, and sometimes its just about learning to endure to the end. You don't get to choose what you trials are but you can choose to endure to the end of them.