A Little Physical Introspection and Perspective

I've been debating on posting this blog for over a month now because it's personal. However I have had a couple of other friends share similar type posts recently so I decided that I've waited long enough.

My hair this February.
This is how I started last year 2014.

Around May of last year when I graduated and this last summer I started feeling like I really needed a change. Which was fine because we were moving and I had been so happy about moving I really did not expect to feel so restless once we did. I can't quite explain it but I'm sure everyone gets feeling this way every now and then. And funny enough that restlessness ultimately and primarily manifested itself through my changing hair. One of the reasons why I've been debating whether I should share this post forever is because I already touched on the subject a little in July. My blog has been sparse the last little while so the last thing I wanted to do is bore all of you with my sad repetition.

This picture is a perfect example of what I want to talk about. It was taken of me and I really didn't like how I looked. I hadn't had time to put on makeup and I truly felt... not good looking. All I did was blow dry my hair and put on clothes, that little gal next to me had me tired and I felt like that exhaustion was written all over my face. And looking back I'm thinking, "oh well that's no so bad I guess". Hind sight really is 20/20. Over the last 6- 12 months I have really been struggling with my looks. I am in no way trying to be silly or beg for compliments. I am being honest. I would look in the mirror daily and not like what I saw.  I was not happy. I have been struggling with my face, my skin, my hair, my weight, my thoughts, my abilities and all my short comings. Since I've had Macy I have not yet managed to drop the last 10 pounds. It may not sound like much but to me on my body it makes a world of difference in my overall size and how I feel, especially in my jeans. I've never thought of myself as some drop dead gorgeous girl, but I haven't felt as plain or homely as I have this last year since I was in junior high.  

The ponytail on the top of my head is my version of "giving up" on my hair. My long hair spent a LOT of time on the top of my head this last year (disclaimer there is nothing innately wrong with ponytails). This post is going to wander a little but it's kind of complicated to express how I have been feeling. In general I would say I would tend to feel anxious or frustrated beyond what was normal for me, not really depressed. I really despise it when I get this way.  

A rare good hair day from this summer. Man! I did not realize how long it was.

 This picture is a joke. My mom asked me why I was never in any of the pictures I was sending her. So I sent her something she could cherish- forever. Notice the bun, I gave up that day too. There really are a lot of pictures of my like this from this last year.

 Another picture with my hair COMPLETELY out of my face. What is funny about this bun or ponytail that I deemed "ugly" is that looking back, even though I still don't love it, I really don't feel like I looked that bad. At the time I felt horrible.

 Can anybody blame a gal for giving up on her hair??

Right before I permed my hair.

We visited family in November and December and while we were there I got a perm. I like perms I don't care what people say. 

See perms aren't so bad, and if you look at these pics and you still disagree it's because these pictures were literally taken right after I got my perm so I hadn't had a chance to style it the way I liked it yet.

Sadly though because of my blonde highlights I had to have a more gentle perm. That meant that the darker parts of my hair flattened out pretty quickly because the perm wasn't strong enough. And I slowly started cutting my hair. 

Styled by yours truly. Pretty right? I love curls.

See perms aren't so bad.

Which leads me to my next topic. The pixie. Really all the perm was, was a way to keep me from buzzing my head. You heard me. BUZZING my HEAD. I was so tired of my hair, it just didn't do what I wanted it to do. Also I was still shedding post Macy pregnancy. Above I used the word restless to describe how I felt but another good word was itchy. Mostly figuratively but also a little literally (it was my hair that was bugging me after all). 

What people with curly hair, or those who hate perms, don't realize is perms give your hair volume when you straighten it and helps hold curls in your hair if you want it curly.

Some of my problem right now is I don't have the money to get my hair done as often as I'd like and I have gotten to the point where I really don't want to do it myself anymore. In fact until I colored it in March my hair had gone uncolored for 10 months.... thats the longest it's gone uncolored in at least a decade. I have noticed that I really don't like how I look without my blonde hair and this last particular couple of months is a great example of that. So After getting a perm and it fading so quickly (sad face) I cut it. Then I cut it again, and again, and AGAIN.

First cut, notice how it's barely longer than my shoulders. It used to be like 4+ inches past.
 It was so funny because everyone was like "oh you don't really want to cut your hair do you?!" And technically I didn't BUT I wasn't loving it long at the moment either so I figured things could only get better if it was shorter since I would have less hair to deal with each time I cut it. 

Davie's birthday, this is my hair almost all natural. Hadn't been dyed in 9+ months!

Horrible (terrible, awful etc) picture but this was the second cut. Just look at the curls though, they had gotten really lose. To be honest though I'm still not in love with my hair. The cut still isn't quite what I want but I have felt more like myself and it's the shortest my hair has been since about.... the summer of 1994?? So basically 21 years. WOW-zah! Anyways thank you all so much for being so sweet and kind on Facebook after I posted my new picture with my short hair, it really bolstered my spirits. AND last, but not least, my solution for my frustrations has been to TRY to eat a little better (I have my favorite naughty treats that I will admit to keeping around the house too often recently), actually using our treadmill, and I finally scheduled an appointment with an LDS counselor. First appointment in 5 years. I've gone twice now and it really is weird how much being able to vent a little to a completely unrelated party helps. I've been feeling better.

Now maybe I can get over myself a little ;) because if nothing else I'm pretty sure these two don't care <3 

Ode to Idaho Falls

Oh, Idaho I love you. There are so many things about Idaho that I love. Coming "home" to Idaho, however, has changed. In the back of my mind I always thought I would most likely come back to Idaho, specifically Idaho Falls. Even though many of my relatives and closer friends live here I'm starting to really wonder if I want to move back. There are literally times when my heart aches as I watch friends and family do things in Idaho while we are thousands of miles away. 

Birthdays and Beauty school. Also please note this was the most random sampling of photos I could come up with that had pictures of as many of my friends as I could find. Unfortunately a LOT of my pictures are old school and I'm not about to scan them.

And yet I have grown to feel a sense of safety living in a town where my past does not exist. I'd love to completely blame it on certain experiences that occurred in 2009, but the truth is there is more to that. I drove around a couple of nights while we were in Idaho Falls over Christmas to my old houses, friends houses, schools and places we used to hang out and for some reason I felt a great deal of sadness. I'm sure that some of that is easily related to the pain I constantly feel over the lightning speed of time, but I sometimes wonder if it's more than that. 

Stake dances, and dates

When I am in Idaho Falls I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder to see people I know. Not necessarily for people I don't want to see. When I am in Idaho Falls I feel as though my mind runs through "what if's" way more then I like. I can't explain it more than that. I say that I grew up in Idaho Falls because we moved there when I was 9. Basically the time I spent in Idaho Falls was when I started to remember things more clearly. The years before are much more random memories. 

While I lived in Idaho Falls I started young women's, started Junior High (aka the worst couple of years ever), attended seminary, had my first real crush, my first kiss, my first love, learned to drive, finished high school, bought my first car, went to the temple, got married, graduated beauty school, got divorced, had my first baby and then moved away. I think its safe to say, barring few exceptions, that I experienced most of my larger emotional experiences in my life up to this point right here in Idaho Falls. 

Commencement 2005 and the last day of school 2003.

What's interesting though is how my sense of safety and familiarity has changed. Am I more aware of how much I went through? Maybe. Am I less sentimental? Possibly. The best way to describe it is that I feel as though I'm not able to look forward as well when I am here. It's like I am caught up in nostalgia, which is NOT necessarily a horrible thing. When I am in Ohio (where we currently live) I don't question myself as much. I look to the future and I most definitely don't second guess myself the way I do in Idaho Falls. In theory though none of this matters because even if I wanted to move back we wouldn't be able for another five and a half years or in 2020.... that's weird. 

boyfriends ;)

Beauty school again 

Sweetheart dance Junior year
 
My mama and I.

 Seniors fall 2005

 Met a random guy at Taco Bell after work one night and he asked me to homecoming. One of THE best dances I EVER went to.

 Edward's summer movie dates

 Senior commencement

 Graduating

 Going to the temple with my friends. Obviously that is the Rexburg temple, but I don't have pictures of my friends and I at the IF temple.

Maybe I will feel differently then. Maybe, even though it's been 5+ years since my most difficult experience I've ever had, I'm still not ready to go back now that I have moved away. The longer we are away the better it gets, but lets just say for now when people ask me if we plan to move back I can honestly say I'm about 50/50 on that subject for now. I am really excited to put roots down in Florida for a while and see how that goes before I can more fully decide on that question.

The Speed of Life

 Every time I think I want to blog/ I need to blog I start to think about ALL the many things I need to blog about and every time I never manage to get it done. Life at our house can be so SLOW in certain ways and yet I feel as though I'm getting whip lash from the lightning fast pace of other elements in our life. 

So what's new...

 David recently changed his mind about his medical future... while in Minnesota for his Orthopedics rotation. I was shocked, I have quite literally spent the last 4 years telling myself that if he wanted to do surgery that I would learn to be ok with that and we would make it work. I had barely come to peace with the decision. Not only that but I have also spent the last 4 years teasing him that he should go into every field that has cushy hours (like being an eye surgeon/ eye dr, can you say 9-5 no weekends??). 

 Then he calls me up and says "I think I really would rather do radiology"... Hallelujah!!! That was another field I was jokingly (seriously) pushing him towards because he has always had interest in it and the radiologists he worked with seemed to generally like him and be impressed with his knowledge. The biggest change in all of this is that come late September David will NOT be leaving me for Phoenix for another 4 weeks. YA YAY YA YA!!!! 

I literally could not be happier about the whole ordeal. Well the only thing that would have made it better would have been if he had decided before he left me for Minnesota 4 weeks ago :) But there's no need to bring that up. 

The radiology has a residency that is also basically 5 years long, so we won't be gaining any time there, but I have heard some good things from the people I know who are in residency programs and we are excited. I should also mention that radiology residencies require a score that is about 5 points lower that orthopedics (orthopedics is one of THE most competitive fields) so that is in our favor as well.

 

The biggest downside that I can foresee as of right now is the first year of radiology residency is called a transitional year so there is a possibility that we could end up somewhere for a single year before joining our 4 year program. I told David one of my big goals is to hopefully find a program that includes that first year in their program that way we can move to our next locale and just BE there for 5 years, none of this moving twice stuff.

Davie loves those fluffy dandelion seeds.

As for me I started on campus classes last Monday, and I love them. I really wish my life had been more compatible with on campus classes all along, seriously NOTHNG beats the classroom experience. I'm a pretty good go-getter when it comes to wanting to learn, but I love teacher and student/ class interaction. This semester is full with 15 credits and thankfully with Davie in daycare I have ample time to do homework in a quiet setting. I'm sad to be away from Davie, but I also feel like it's a really good change of pace for both of us since our house is so crowded right now.

Davie seems to LOVE daycare and has only cried twice in the last 3 weeks I have taken him (he went at the end of my summer term). The daycare is accredited which means they have some curriculum (whatever that means for a 1 and a half year old), there are less children per adult and overall I just love the facility and the ladies that work there. Davie is never dirty, cold or wet/ stinky when I pick him up and all the ladies always tell me how happy and busy he is all day, which really is another huge blessing. 

As for our visitors (David's brother and his wife) they are still hanging out with us and trying to be strong. It definitely gets crowded, but they are troopers and so are we. I keep telling them and anyone who asks that it's really only busy in the early morning when everyone is getting ready to leave, at night around dinner time and bed. Also with David gone there's technically only one more adult in the house than normal, so it's all good. It looks like they might be hitting another road block in the world of house buying so I just hope and pray it will work out for the best. 

picks the flower

dainty hold

licks it

realizes he's funny, then proceeds to milk it for all it's worth. What a ham.

I can still remember how amazing it was for David and I to FINALLY move into our condo after living with others (and we only did it for like 3ish? weeks). I think everyone who has lived with other people knows that amazing feeling of liberation when you finally get to move into a place of your own.

Lastly, I hope you enjoyed our most recent family pictures on here we got them done in June, so it's been a while already. AND believe it or not there are more pictures of Davie which I promise to do my best to publish shortly along with some great new stories about the little trouble maker.

Davie was seriously ready to scale this bridge and jump into the murky scum filled water below. It wasn't horrible water but it was plenty green.

This is his "someone is watching me face"

 I can't say I'm crazy about some of the one's David and myself are in I feel like our faces/ eye look puffy or something so feel free to boost my ego by telling me we look great.