The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and a Blankie

Moving twice in under two years is a pretty excellent way to help you want to live a possessionless life. About a year and a half ago I had a friend blog about diving into minimalism. I was busy unpacking our crap so of course I was intrigued. The only area I can really say I've ever struggled with wanting "stuff" all the time is clothes. When I was young I liked being cool, nowadays I'm on the mommy body changing roller coaster which makes keeping things that don't fit a battle of time. How long should I keep this? Will it still be popular when I fit it again? Did I really like it that much when it did fit? And last but not least is it worth lugging around for 2 years when I could easily replace it??

Along with that I got rid of allllll kinds of "things" and "stuff" I talked a little bit about it previously, but that was a rough year so I didn't have a lot of time or motivation to blog about it. Well recently I started reading Marie Kondo's book that's been so popular, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

 Not necessarily because I don't know how to tidy up, organize or purge, but in hopes of continuing to get more ideas and fine tuning my abilities. Also it's aways good, at least for me to keep my excitement up when it comes to cleaning. In the book, which I had already heard about, she talks about only keeping things that bring us joy. For the most part I found that advice kind of silly. In my mind my "things" either had value because of their daily/consistent use, I need them or they are sentimental (within reason). Then there's stuff like all my chubby mom clothes. They most certainly don't bring me joy but I refuse to buy new stuff just because I don't fit my regular stuff. That's not to say I don't have some clothes that I can wear but I don't want to have several full wardrobes for all my different weights $$$

Fast forward to about a week ago. I was Facebook surfing my friends' profiles when I found myself looking at a friend's super cute baby boy.

I looked closer and realized the blankie he was holding reminded me of one my brother used to have.

So I asked my friend where she got the blankie, assuming it had been hers or one of her siblings. It turned out that the blankie WAS actually my brother's/Davie's blankie and we had accidentally left it at her house on one of the many occasions she had watched my baby Davie (for free I might add). I wasn't upset or anything like that and she immediately offered to send it to me, which was super nice. I told her she should use the blankie for her little boy and then maybe send it back after he was done with it. The blankie is a little boyish and I just had Violet so I wasn't in any rush, but I did kind of want it back.

I've had a lot of time to think about that little blanket. What I left out, because I did not want her to feel bad, was that little blankie is what I brought Colin home in. 

I didn't buy anything when I had Colin. I basically had no money and I didn't want to have things that reminded me of him afterwards. So I took my brother's blanket to the hospital.

 I'm still not even sure how I ended up with it, I must have used it for my dolls and randomly kept it, which is surprising because my dolls were some of my first younger childhood toys to go.

After I placed Colin I actually carried the blanket around with me for a time. Not in a weird way, just around the house a little for the first week or so and I slept with it. For a while it actually still smelled like him and it was extra comforting.

After I had Davie I used the blankie again. Davie spit up a LOT. So it was tricky finding pictures with this blankie. We had a lot of laundry his first year. Note that he is naked in the picture below. He had drenched his clothes.

 It made me feel thrifty for reusing something and it was nice that it had been used by my brother and Colin (even though it was only a couple of days).

As I thought about these things I decided that the blanket did not bring me joy. Marie Kondo talks about that. As you go through your things you need to ask yourself if an item sparks joy in your heart. Even though I love my brother and Colin I realized that the blankie itself made me kind of sad and I also realized that I did not want it back.

 If anything it gave me 100% more joy knowing someone else that I love was using it. This is a long story about a silly blanket, but I was surprised to find myself (a fairly unattached and logical person when it comes to "things") getting so emotional over a blanket that I hadn't ever really used and was not something of any real value. My mom said she had bought it at a second hand store in Washington state before she had my brother Jordan. It wasn't homemade and it wasn't even a gift. Yet here I was trying to decide if I wanted it. I was glad I had the experience though, it helped me work through some of my feelings and emotions I didn't know I still had. It actually ended up being pretty cathartic. I realized that, as Marie Kondo says in her book, the blanket has served its purpose in my life and was now happy in its new home.

I don't know if I have gotten teary eyed about Colin in a long time but I did during this blankie dilemma. It's weird how we as humans can forget painful things so easily. My whole experience with Colin has given me empathy for others that I never would have gained in any other way. If it hadn't of been for Colin I would never understand some of the pain and sadness that goes into losing a child or infertility. While I realize that all three of those situations are different the loss felt is very similar and I'm glad I can understand others just a little better.

Once again I can say that I know God loves me and that he watches over me. From time to time we may all think that we have learned all we can from certain trials or that we no longer have healing to do. It's amazing how our Heavenly Father can present himself in our lives and help us when we are not even aware that we need it. 

Death and Adoption

Every now and then when I am struggling I find myself wandering/ surfing on blogs of mothers who have lost children. Some blogs have become famous because of their experiences and others are just telling it like it is. I remember shortly after giving Colin up a family friend said, adoption is like death because you know your child is in a better place and you are happy for them, but you are not able to see them. As I have come to read more and more "angel mom" blogs I have noticed some very big differences in the kind(s) of loss that is felt.

No matter how much positive information is shared about adoption, it is still looked upon as some sort of social taboo. "Oh you gave your baby up for adoption?" translation- you didn't want to keep your baby? You must have been young and forced into it. You must have had an immoral relationship to end up in that situation and so on. Death, not so much, after all everybody dies it's a natural part of life.

Mourning an adoption feels like something I am often forced to do in private, because it was part of another relationship that ended horribly. Its not a time in my life that I like sharing and many times I don't feel like people know what to say when I do. When I read these blogs I cannot describe my absolute envy that those mom's are able to share their grief with their husbands. I have no one earthly person I can truly share my grief with. David is AMAZING, so supportive, he listens and most of all he loves me, but he was not there with me when it happened and Colin is not his son.

Grieving a lost child is normal and people are easily expected to take weeks, months, years and lifetimes to come to grips with it, but adoption is not the same. When I talk about Colin I still feel like I am raising a social faux pas. It's weird to many people, they don't understand why I need to be able to talk about it and I can often see their inability to understand or discomfort when I openly share my experience. I try not to hold it against people, because I know they mean well, but even those within my family have essentially poo-pooed my mentioning of Colin on various occasions. It's frustrating.

 During my pregnancy with Colin I found that I had shut down emotionally and so now that I have come away from the initial pain talking about my experience brings me relief. I do not desire to talk about Colin often, mainly because I feel that I have moved on quite well, so occasionally when I do want to discuss my experience I wish it was not such an ordeal. 

Another element of adoption compared to the death of a child that I have had to come to reality with is what comes after this life. So many mothers find exquisite comfort in the thought of raising their lost child in the life to come and being sealed to their child forever. Colin was born within the covenant, but he is now sealed to his family and I am now sealed to David. 

This subject can be quite frustrating because my previous sealing to my ex is what initially (among MANY other things) made me feel like adoption would be right for Colin and myself. I did not want to keep my baby only to have my ex refuse to let me and my son be sealed to someone else when the time came. Then even after Colin was sealed to his family I had to wait for my sealing to be broken before I could marry David. It was all very complicated and time consuming, however, I am so very thankful it has all been resolved.

Over the last couple of years I have even noticed that in many ways I also feel a strong connection to those who struggle with infertility. Sometimes even more so than women who have lost a baby, because infertility is the sense of missing something you never really had. If that makes any sense. A while back a read a quote from Laura Bush on a blog about her ordeal with infertility and I was quite moved by it because I KNEW exactly how she felt.

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence.  For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for you loss."  But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives.  Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Another thing I read about infertility that I can relate to so much was basically just a list of personal and/ or inappropriate questions or statements that people love to ask about in our particular circle of religion. The one that used to get me really upset (before I had Davie) was ANY comment related to me dealing with kids, because I nannied and was in nursery/ primary, that said something like "jeesh, isn't that great birth control!?" And no. The answer was always no, especially in nursery because so many of the little boys and girls were Colin's age at the time. The other one that I have learned to let bother me less was comments about "you can have one of our kids!" I know it's a joke and there are certainly days when Davie has me on my last nerve, but I really do my best to not say that EVER. I've learned that begging for a sitter is a much better solution to my troubles.

The fact that I now have Davie definitely eases my pain, but I cannot (and no other birth mother) be expected to be "all better" after having another baby. You can never replace a child. Filling my arms with one baby does not take away the loss of the other, there is no substitution. I think about what my life would be like with Colin in it almost everyday. And one of the only things that makes it better is knowing he has a stable home and had one from the moment he was born.

These are the moments I have to look to the gospel to find meaning in all the horribleness that can be had in the aftermath of my experience. Because I have no one person on this earth that can help me process my feelings I try my best to rely on my Savior for solace. While I was pregnant with Colin and shortly after I found this much easier because my feelings were quite raw and near the surface. As I have come away from this trial my ability to express myself in words, even in prayer, is often lost. I'm still not sure if I can say I am thankful for the experience. I know I am thankful for my life now and I can appreciate the personal strength I have gained from such a pivotal and permanent decision. Just like the death of a child, I have to keep reminding myself that time will heal all and for everything else there is the love of my family, my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

Blog Therapy

I was going to title this post “Mother’s Day Blog Therapy” but I was afraid I might sound to upset or bitter. So instead this is just me using my blog as therapy. What to say about Mother's Day, or rather what isn't there to say. It's a day that I have always loved, because I was raised by a rather terrific Mother myself, who some how did the impossible of being my friend and parent throughout my entire life (including the teen years, impressive I know). However, over the past three years it has become a day of extremely mixed emotions for me. Living here in Toledo also creates another interesting aspect of the day for me.

So having said all that I'll now say this, I have grown up a lot in the last three years, A LOT. And yet the last two years on Mother's Day I wake up and I think "No big". Then I go to church I just feel miserable. Here in Toledo was worse than in Idaho because there everyone knows my story (are you beginning to see the double edged sword?). It is nice to feel like everyone here doesn't know EVERYTHING about me but at the same time I HATE, make sure you get that HATE, being clumped into the "newly wed/ baby-adult" category. I am a Mom, and will be even more so in the future, it’s just complicated.

I know that no one here knows they do it but it still really bothers me. I also struggle when ladies start talking to me about their kid as if I know nothing about kids and Colin is older than their boy/ or girl they are telling me about. I have to make sure I put lots of disclaimers on this post, my previous statement isn't to say I know what raising a kid is truly like BUT I just wish I could feel more involved in the conversation without telling them my life story. Typically it's not worth saying "oh ya, I got divorced while I was pregnant so I decided to give my baby up for adoption" just to be included in a conversation about pregnancy (which you ladies LOVE), but I HATE acting or feeling like I'm just some little newly wed, who hasn't been through "tough" times yet. No I haven't worked my husband through medical  school yet, no we haven't been married a year yet and yes I don't have personal experience of raising my own kid, but I'm no kindergartener either.

I have given this analogy to several people and I feel like it's the best way to describe how I feel. Suppose you did two years of school and it was REALLY tough, and then you HAD to change your major and start all over. I feel like this is my 3rd almost 4th year of school but because of changing my major I'm getting stuck with the freshman again. David’s undergrad is a degree that can take up to 6 years to get and he got it in 4 years. He graduated as a single guy from BYU, that is tough stuff, but he learned to be very patient and diligent. He still has his moments but for the most part he is VERY mature. We essentially never fight, and not because we are in the “honeymoon phase” it’s because we just get along. I’ve learned to chill out a little (a little) and he is calm enough to help me through my struggles. So when others think about how long the two of us have been together and judge our relationship on time, ya it bugs me.

  

Now that I have vented, a couple of times, I’ll move on to the more specific topic of Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just going to be a struggle until I have my own kid. I have not ever regretted my decision to give Colin up, he is so happy and so am I, but I still get sad. The best example I have is this- I have wanted to be a Mom since I was very little. The one thing I always, ALWAYS, always knew I wanted was a family. I didn’t however know whether I wanted to go to college or Beauty school or what career I wanted, but I always knew I wanted to have kids.  I know I have said similar type things before but it is true. Watching all my friends, acquaintances and family members have kids before me is exasperatingly painful. Especially when they are younger than me or I can remember them acting like they weren’t sure if they wanted to have kids, or very many, or they acted like they would rather have a career.

Giving a baby up for adoption is like losing a baby. You know they are in a better place and that they are loved and being taken care of but all you can do is imagine what they are really like. You miss them, all the time. And you only remember them the way they were when you had to say good-bye. I had someone share that with me right after I gave up Colin and it made me feel better. Sometimes it is so hard to put into words how I feel/ felt and that hit it right on.

 Thank you Meagan Baxter for what you said on my Truth post a couple of months ago our babies are a part of us and there really is an instant unconditional love that every mother feels. That is so true. I think about Colin everyday and I love him so much. The number one positive thing this whole experience has taught me is that our Heavenly Father loves us beyond anything we can imagine! There is no way our Heavenly Father could love me or anyone else any less than a mother loves her baby. I am so thankful to have that knowledge and to have had such a wonderful mother myself. I also hope that all of you who read this who have your own babies will make sure you give them an extra hug or kiss for all the Moms out there who have been through what I have been through or have lost a baby. Hopefully I haven’t upset anyone. I only hope that we can all learn to be more sensitive to our fellow ladies because we never know what they are going through or have been through.

This post was a load off my shoulders.

Placement

 Baby and I got lots of time compared to alot of Birth Mom's and Baby's. I had my Baby at 7:11am on Wednesday and I placed him Saturday morning at 9:30am, and we visited with the family again till about noon. That's 4 days and some change. My hospital stay was a dream. I decided not to tell my Ex a thing until I was ready to leave the hospital, at that time the counselor called him. I was happy that he only got 2 hours. It was all he asked for but still he didn't deserve it. After his demands last week I felt so smug in how things turned out. All I can say is that after everything I went through I didn't feel bad at all about letting myself be a little selfish for once. My brother Brandon held him and saw him more then my Ex got to. He got everything he wanted back in January and pathetically I'm not even sure what it was, but whatever it was I hope it was worth it to him. I wouldn't trade my time for anything. And it was not my fault that the other party didn't get to see his son born. Turns out when you treat the mother of your kid like crap she isn't going to include you in special personal moments. Choices, we all have them and no one can make them for you, but you still have consequences.

The hardest time was probably my last day in the hospital. I just started to feel dread and my stomach was churning which made me not hungry, I knew the time to say good-bye was coming. I think I held baby just about every second I could. I just wanted to feel him and smell him, I didn't want to forget. I'm lucky he was such a sweet snuggly little baby. Even though I was tired and sore I tried to do as much as I could like change his diapers on my own and I kept him in my room all night, I even started to walk to the nursery everytime they did his little evaluations.

When Saturday morning came I went to the agency and signed some papers, I couldn't help but cry as I read and signed. Then we went into the room where his family was waiting. I think that was the hardest I just didn't want to let him go. And of course he was being the good little baby he always is sleeping in my arms. I don't know why but it was easiest to give him to his older brother first. After we visited for about 2 hours. Then my mom drove me home.

That was hard, I was going home empty handed, I probably cried more in the drive home then Baby had the whole time I had him. At that time my Ex and his family got come and visit. I waited at home. When they were done I had asked several days before if they would come by my house one last time before they left for Boise. It was very comforting to know that even though my Ex's family got to see and hold Baby, I was still the one who got to see him most and see him last. I'm glad Baby's family were kind enough to do that for me I really needed it, even if it wasn't a very long visit it was just enough.

It's amazing how perfect your own baby is. My Baby will always have two mom's, I'm glad I can say that. I'll always be his Mama, even if I can't be his Mommy. It's sad that his "bio dad" wasn't more intrested but his real dad loves him so much. And I'm so excited for my Baby and his older brother they are going to be great buddies. I couldn't have found a more perfect family if I had tried. I say that because I didn't pick Them Heavenly Father and Baby let me know where he needed to go.