5 Years

Five years ago this month I literally thought my life was over.

I documented almost every day of the half horrible half wonderful year of 2009. Sometimes I am glad and other times I wish I hadn't. However, if I hadn't I would probably have forgotten much of the first 5 months. There are many entries from that first month where in the middle of talking about my day I suddenly say "I cried again today" and nothing else. Some of the words I used often that first month were alone, cheated, lonely, helpless, abandoned, useless, and betrayed. I felt like everything I had ever worked for, temple marriage and an eternal family were stolen from me. I have always been the kind of person who is highly self criticizing and being around others who treated me in such a critical way was horrible for my personal, and mental well being. Not only that, but I had been (and still am) the kind of person who very purposefully avoided situations that could bring me grief and here I was thrown into my worst nightmare completely helpless to do anything about it.

 The first five months I lived half my life in survival mode, crisis aversion and the other half in pure breakdown. I have not talked too much about this part of my ordeal since Colin is obviously more important to me then remembering a relationship that was so incredibly hurtful to me.

 It's amazing because I can still remember the horrible sick plummeting feeling as my stomach fell to the ground as my Ex revealed his real intentions. What's weird is even now when I think about the horrible months that lead up to that moment I am numb from the true emotion I felt at the time. I remember it but I can no longer feel it. I think that has been my greatest blessing in the whole situation is how well I have been able to forget how emotionally painful so much of that 5 months was.

Five years ago if you had told me I would be married, pregnant with my second (third) baby, and about to finish my bachelors I would not have believed you. I never could have imagined. To think that the people around me are now so different then what I had before is such an amazing blessing. I initially started blogging because my sister in law at the time had prodded me into it and I thought it would be fun to document my first baby's arrival. Within months of starting the blog I was getting divorced and changing my address. Other than that not much has changed. I still use my blog to share about my life, what's going on, to relate to others and get reassurance from friends.

I have avoided talking about this day for several years now because as much as it still affects me at times I didn't want it to become me. I didn't want to be known as "that girl who married young and got divorced so she gave her baby up for adoption" whew such a mouth full. Although I do realize that my blog definitely caught readers with my experience.

I cannot begin to describe how thankful I am for the people that are now in my life and the places they have helped me go. Davie has made January a whole new experience for me. I now think of him, the day he was born, his birthday and birthdays to come when I think about January and not that horrible month 5 years ago. I guess this is a post to say I'm still alive, thank you and I love you to my husband, friends and family who have done nothing but uplift and help me through. For all of you experiencing tragedy in your lives, whatever it may be just remember it has a purpose and an end, just like everything else in this life. And last but not least I want to thank my Savior who comforted me so much during that first cold lonely month 5 years ago.