5 Years

Five years ago this month I literally thought my life was over.

I documented almost every day of the half horrible half wonderful year of 2009. Sometimes I am glad and other times I wish I hadn't. However, if I hadn't I would probably have forgotten much of the first 5 months. There are many entries from that first month where in the middle of talking about my day I suddenly say "I cried again today" and nothing else. Some of the words I used often that first month were alone, cheated, lonely, helpless, abandoned, useless, and betrayed. I felt like everything I had ever worked for, temple marriage and an eternal family were stolen from me. I have always been the kind of person who is highly self criticizing and being around others who treated me in such a critical way was horrible for my personal, and mental well being. Not only that, but I had been (and still am) the kind of person who very purposefully avoided situations that could bring me grief and here I was thrown into my worst nightmare completely helpless to do anything about it.

 The first five months I lived half my life in survival mode, crisis aversion and the other half in pure breakdown. I have not talked too much about this part of my ordeal since Colin is obviously more important to me then remembering a relationship that was so incredibly hurtful to me.

 It's amazing because I can still remember the horrible sick plummeting feeling as my stomach fell to the ground as my Ex revealed his real intentions. What's weird is even now when I think about the horrible months that lead up to that moment I am numb from the true emotion I felt at the time. I remember it but I can no longer feel it. I think that has been my greatest blessing in the whole situation is how well I have been able to forget how emotionally painful so much of that 5 months was.

Five years ago if you had told me I would be married, pregnant with my second (third) baby, and about to finish my bachelors I would not have believed you. I never could have imagined. To think that the people around me are now so different then what I had before is such an amazing blessing. I initially started blogging because my sister in law at the time had prodded me into it and I thought it would be fun to document my first baby's arrival. Within months of starting the blog I was getting divorced and changing my address. Other than that not much has changed. I still use my blog to share about my life, what's going on, to relate to others and get reassurance from friends.

I have avoided talking about this day for several years now because as much as it still affects me at times I didn't want it to become me. I didn't want to be known as "that girl who married young and got divorced so she gave her baby up for adoption" whew such a mouth full. Although I do realize that my blog definitely caught readers with my experience.

I cannot begin to describe how thankful I am for the people that are now in my life and the places they have helped me go. Davie has made January a whole new experience for me. I now think of him, the day he was born, his birthday and birthdays to come when I think about January and not that horrible month 5 years ago. I guess this is a post to say I'm still alive, thank you and I love you to my husband, friends and family who have done nothing but uplift and help me through. For all of you experiencing tragedy in your lives, whatever it may be just remember it has a purpose and an end, just like everything else in this life. And last but not least I want to thank my Savior who comforted me so much during that first cold lonely month 5 years ago. 

A Final Free Ride

Monday December 16th Davie and I flew out to Idaho Falls by ourselves (meaning I flew with him on my lap). I've flown solo with him before but most of the times he was still nursing or he had his binky or I wasn't 30 weeks pregnant. Really the pregnant part was the part that made me the most nervous.

First flight nap, that was lightly drug induced. I was too afraid of what would happen otherwise. He slept for over half of the flight and was very quiet and easy going for the second half.

 So sweet

 BIG creepy jerk that sat next to us. The second he saw us sitting next to the window and went to sit down he rolled his eyes and acted all annoyed. RUDE! At first I was making extra sure to keep away from him when it dawned on me that I could NOT reward his RUDE attitude. After that I no longer tried to lean away I just sat resituated when needed as well as talking and attending to Davie. He did SO good on this flight.

Such a sweet boy.

 Then we landed.

 We tried to let him run a little and we tried the baby leash and this is what I got.

 He seriously screamed so much, my eye was twitching.
Aside from the rather painful one and a half hour in the Denver terminal the flights all went smoothly and in my mind that's what counts. If he had to break down somewhere I figure in the open terminal was a million times better than an enclosed airplane. We arrived in Idaho Falls a little after 1pm mountain time and after being awake since 3:30 am Eastern time I was thoroughly exhausted. 

Workin' for the WoMan

Just as a pre warning this post is a huge vent session, if that bothers you just stop right here. Thank you. Also know that I greatly debated on whether to post this because I really try my best to not talk about people when they aren't around, but this has been my biggest struggle lately.

As you all know I have been working in a salon now since the last week in October. I have a confession to make; I hate it. I am struggling so much with this job! Mostly with my boss, her and I have VERY similar personalities. Normally that isn't a problem for me but she is used to people not being reliable and so she is paranoid that I will not be as well. On top of that she isn't exactly great about letting me do my own thing in the salon. She will hover over me while I do a client and many times will finish the haircuts for me (and not with my permission). It is like watching someone eat while you are starving! I'm right there but I just can't touch/ have what I want. Uhhhhgggg! It is soooooo frustrating. I am trying my best to build up a clientele, but I don't really know anyone here so my days are slow.

 My boss is a great hairdresser, I'm not going to deny that, but I often feel like she doesn't think my work can stand on it's own. I'm not saying I never need help or that I am very fast, I'm just saying I feel like an adult that's been put into daycare. I can't stand the way she hovers over me she makes me crazy nervous. I can't complain too much about that though because I have done so few hair cuts/ colors since I got there that they aren't my main concern. Right now Randie (the other stylist) and I basically shadow Carrie (the boss) we get her things she needs rinse clients, clean, etc. I can't tell you how many times I go home thinking "why am I doing so much for this lady? I'm not even making minimum wage! I'm on commission and if I'm lucky I'll get $20 cash at the end of the day." I keep telling David that I wouldn't mind helping her but she is so mean sometimes.

For example a couple of weeks ago I washed a girls hair. Her hair was VeRy long and it just soaked up the conditioner right up. Instead of using more (thinking about trying not to use too much product which means trying to save my boss money) I rinse her hair out the rest of the way and take her over to Carrie so she can cut the clients hair. Well my boss takes a couple of strokes with the comb through the client's hair and then asks me "Kari did you condition her hair?" Me- "Yea I ran it all the way through the ends" (which was true). Carrie then says to the client "come back over to the sinks and I'll give you a proper conditioning"... wha? Are you kidding me?! My blood was boiling, it still upsets me to even repeat the story! Let's just start with the basics here #1- so rude to say that to the client in front of me! #2- such a low blow to think that after having my license for 2 year that I don't know how to condition someones hair #3- She could have just said "will you run some more through her hair please Kari?" or really a million other things.

That was not the first time she has done something like that she does it just about once a week, and every time she does it takes me convincing every cell in my body to not just walk out. She has the tendency to think I can read her mind. Like if she wants something done she will get all irritable but not ever say what it is that she wants (especially if there is a client there) and I am getting to the point where I just don't even want to figure it out anymore. If she can't be a big girl and use her words to tell me what she wants then she can just be irritable all day. My biggest problem with all of this is I do not have a thick skin and this contention all day just breaks me down. More often then not I can feel the tension in the salon all day. It's like the opposite of a good church day, at the end I just feel drained and upset. I could begin to name many more problems but so far the ones I have told you are my top issues.

So what do I do? How do you deal with a difficult someone who just so happens to be your difficult boss? Any and all ideas are welcome so please share.

Placement

 Baby and I got lots of time compared to alot of Birth Mom's and Baby's. I had my Baby at 7:11am on Wednesday and I placed him Saturday morning at 9:30am, and we visited with the family again till about noon. That's 4 days and some change. My hospital stay was a dream. I decided not to tell my Ex a thing until I was ready to leave the hospital, at that time the counselor called him. I was happy that he only got 2 hours. It was all he asked for but still he didn't deserve it. After his demands last week I felt so smug in how things turned out. All I can say is that after everything I went through I didn't feel bad at all about letting myself be a little selfish for once. My brother Brandon held him and saw him more then my Ex got to. He got everything he wanted back in January and pathetically I'm not even sure what it was, but whatever it was I hope it was worth it to him. I wouldn't trade my time for anything. And it was not my fault that the other party didn't get to see his son born. Turns out when you treat the mother of your kid like crap she isn't going to include you in special personal moments. Choices, we all have them and no one can make them for you, but you still have consequences.

The hardest time was probably my last day in the hospital. I just started to feel dread and my stomach was churning which made me not hungry, I knew the time to say good-bye was coming. I think I held baby just about every second I could. I just wanted to feel him and smell him, I didn't want to forget. I'm lucky he was such a sweet snuggly little baby. Even though I was tired and sore I tried to do as much as I could like change his diapers on my own and I kept him in my room all night, I even started to walk to the nursery everytime they did his little evaluations.

When Saturday morning came I went to the agency and signed some papers, I couldn't help but cry as I read and signed. Then we went into the room where his family was waiting. I think that was the hardest I just didn't want to let him go. And of course he was being the good little baby he always is sleeping in my arms. I don't know why but it was easiest to give him to his older brother first. After we visited for about 2 hours. Then my mom drove me home.

That was hard, I was going home empty handed, I probably cried more in the drive home then Baby had the whole time I had him. At that time my Ex and his family got come and visit. I waited at home. When they were done I had asked several days before if they would come by my house one last time before they left for Boise. It was very comforting to know that even though my Ex's family got to see and hold Baby, I was still the one who got to see him most and see him last. I'm glad Baby's family were kind enough to do that for me I really needed it, even if it wasn't a very long visit it was just enough.

It's amazing how perfect your own baby is. My Baby will always have two mom's, I'm glad I can say that. I'll always be his Mama, even if I can't be his Mommy. It's sad that his "bio dad" wasn't more intrested but his real dad loves him so much. And I'm so excited for my Baby and his older brother they are going to be great buddies. I couldn't have found a more perfect family if I had tried. I say that because I didn't pick Them Heavenly Father and Baby let me know where he needed to go.

Stress

Today started off really well. I went to my doctor app. found out that I was dialated to a 3 and the midwife stripped my membranes. I was really hoping (and still am) that it will help move things along. It either takes effect within the next 24 to 48 hours or it does nothing- so I'm hoping. Then everything went downhill, FAST.

I have been avoiding the subject of the Ex for a while now even though it effects me almost daily. But if I don't vent about this I'm going to explode. He has decided that when I have the baby he wants to have his whole family circus there. Now in a normal situation that would be fine. In this situation though it's not. This is a rhetorical question for the most part, but how would you feel if you spent the last 5 months being pregnant with absolutely NO support from your Ex OR his family? Now how would you feel after you go through all that and the pain of labor and you know your going to give your baby up to have his family think that they should be allowed to share in ANY of YOUR hard work?

I'll tell you how I feel, used. The fact that they could be as selfish to pretend that they care just so that they can see the baby, once I have done all the work makes me so mad I just cry. I just wish that he would give me one thing and that is to keep his crazy family from my kid until it goes home with his adoptive family where he belongs. Once again he has NO clue what I have been going through for the last 5 months and today he just calls up and leaves a nasty voicemail telling me his demands, or he claims he won't follow through with the adoption. MEMO TO HIM- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND THE PRODUCT OF YOUR OWN DECISIONS, NOT MINE!!!! Like I have said perviously, the divorce part has not been difficult for me and in a way I'm glad he's the one who decided to end it, since I would never want to be responsible for breaking my convanants over the issues we had been having. I just wish if that was how he felt he would have skipped away BEFORE the baby.

I just don't get it. I paid the bills in the divorce, let him keep money that was literally and legally half mine, let him keep the car, and haven't bothered him since and he cannot do anything for me. It's like constantly losing when you know your playing fair. I have had to carry around this baby alone. Go to doctors appointments with no husband, listen to my baby's heartbeat knowing that I don't get to keep him and explain my situation to people when they realize I'm not married (anymore). I know he hasn't done any of that. And the ONLY thing I'm asking is that he keep his family that deserted me and was unkind to me the entire time we were married out of all this, and he won't even do that.

My struggle is where can I find closure? He's insisting that he get his but at this point I'm so tired of him running the show I could die (literally). I have never had to deal with anyone who was so selfish everytime I have asked for ANYTHING in ANY of this he has said no or said yes and done the opposite. I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't understand why his family insits on being this way. They can support him without torturing me. I just can't wait till days like this don't exist. I hate crying till I have a headache and getting so mad and worried that I feel sick. I refuse to let this stuff change my mind but why does it have to be so hard, on me? I just can't win.

What's going on

Ok so today I had another dr. app and I found out that baby is head down. Which acutally makes less sense then what I thought except for the part where his head is what is pushing on my bladder. That makes alot of sense haha it's no wonder I have to use the restroom every hour. I was so sad beacuase today I found out that my dr. only induces after 39 weeks. I want my baby to be healthy and happy and big (enough) but I seriously am ready to die at the thought of 7-8+ more weeks of this! In other news I got my license!!! Even with the "update" on my "new address" I sent them, they still sent it to my old appartment. I was so irritated when I found that out. The other part that upset me was they sent it to The Ex mother-in-law's house instead of forwarding it to me. Lucky me I got to meet up with the Ex (in person) to get it. I'll admit at least he showed, I just hate feeling like I have to go through him to get anything. It makes me nervous, because I never know if he's going to tell the truth or simply change his mind (so drama and stress).

Then of course my license said Kari ******** all over all of it, can you say anger? The other "good" thing would be that my divorce is final now. I got my papers on Monday. Haha I cried, it was not a feeling I liked. It was like being furious, sad, and happy all at once. Not fun and not to mention a little confusing for my brain to process. It's nice to be a Christiansen again I always did love my last name. So that's all for now I guess.

Light at the End of the Tunnel!

 OK! So the lawyer pow-wow went down this morning and all I can say is wow! I was ready to hurl on my way there it was THE last place I wanted to be in the entire universe. The Ex showed up late which I thought was ironic at best especially for as much crap as he gave me for being late to unimportant things. Then he went into a back room and hid while his lawyer my lawyer and me discussed what we wanted to have happen. Making it so his lawyer had to run back and forth to get his client's "ok". Haha, like I sad WOW, he never ceases to amaze me and I am SOOOO glad I'm not going to have to deal with that kind of crap anymore. I mean he couldn't even be man enough to sit in the same room with everyone, grow a pair would ya! But thats totally beside the point! He finally signed the papers and things went favorably my way. Mostly because I am in charge of making sure things get paid, so I'll know bills will get paid. I'm so happy that this legal portion is over. Not to mention today is the most beautiful day I have seen since winter ended. What a great way to start the weekend, with a load taken off my shoulders and a little more peace of mind.

Divorce

I know I haven't really said much about this particular part of what's been going on in my life on here, but I just felt like I needed to set everyone straight on a few things. First- I don't want anyone feeling bad about what happened as far as my Ex walking out goes. It's been very hard but not in the way I would ever have imagined. I cry way more about the fact he doesn't care about our son then the fact that he was ok walking out on me. If it wasn't for the baby this situation would be such a relief for me.

Second- I honestly have felt so much better about myself since he left. My Ex and most of his family were not very kind to me... ever. I was constently left feeling like I just wasn't good enough when I knew I was and that I was trying my best, being told I was unkind, unthoughtful, immature and the list goes on and on and on.  I cried about it way too much, no one wants to feel that way, most especailly when the people who make you feel that way are supposed to be your "family". The whole thing was just a joke. If I offended someone (over ANYTHING) it was held against me forever, but when I was offended it was like "get over it all ready," well that is if my feelings were ever even addressed, which was almost never. The best thing for me right now is to get as far away from them and that situation as possible. Thankfully the Ex has made that very easy. He barely answers any form of communication I try (which isn't very often), even when I was trying to get his mail to him. I haven't even seen him in person since the 12th of January and I think that speaks for itself.

I want all my friends and family who read this to know that I love you so much and appreciate so much the support and compliments you have given me recently. You have made me see that I have been selling myself short. Not that I don't have flaws (boy do I ever) I have plenty, but I was forgetting about my potential completely. I often read your comments and all I can do is cry, the out pour of Love from everyone has been so amazing! I love all of you so much and I don't know what I would do without you.

Recently one of my friends gave me the greatest compliment I have recieved in a LONG time it may sound silly, but he told me I was all grown up, and that I was a woman now. I have been being told that I am imature for the last 2 years, and treated that way. I amost cried when he said it because I knew he meant it and I knew it was true. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm not sad about the divorce that only lasted about a week. I know there is someone else out there for me and I'm not worried about that at all.

I also know that because of the choices I have made my life has been very easy, my Heavenly Father has blessed me SO much. I have never had a really difficult physical trial in my entire life, so if this is what this lesson is I guess I can handle that. It goes along with my goal for this year to let Heavenly Father make more of me then I can of myself. This is just one of those times where I will have to hang on and trust. Life isn't always about the good choices "you" make sometimes you learn how to deal with other people's agency, and sometimes its just about learning to endure to the end. You don't get to choose what you trials are but you can choose to endure to the end of them.