Love One Another

Its amazing how often the lessons I have had at church seem to corolate so well with the struggles I'm having. Here are a couple of examples loving others, enduring to the end, and most of all forgivness. Anyone who has been in a simular situation to mine knows that it is sooo extremly hard not to become overwhelmed with bitter and unkind feelings. I have been struggling with alot lately. Especailly when I hear some of the things that the Ex's family has said about me since he left. It's so hard to hear those kinds of things, especailly when they only focus on me. It's frustrating and it makes me cry and there is NOTHING I can do about it but try my best not to do what they do. I feel like I have done my best to not talk about him on my blog and only talk about me. I feel that it's more mature and Christ like to share my feelings rather then my anger. One of the lessons we had recently really got me thinking about being the "bigger person" I hate being the bigger person it always feels like you lose. And in a worldly sense I guess you do. The thing I have learned about divorce in general besides the fact that everyone polarizes is that even those who are close to either person don't even know half of the story. So much goes on behind closed doors and it's really unfair to only listen to one side.

I really love learning about Joseph Smith what a great example of enduring to the end and forgivness. Not that I feel anywhere near as amazing as him but I like to compare some of my trials to his. I feel like it gives me a deeper look at what it must have been like. Now there is someone who in a worldly sense lost, and mostly due to the agency of others. I remember my mom telling me something that my great grandma told her once when she was feeling cheated for doing the right thing. My mom jokingly said that when she got to heaven she would get to go right in and that would be her reward. But my grandma turned to her and said you get your reward right here and now knowing that even if your treated unfairly or unkindly your are still willing to be kind back. WOW! I love that saying and I love my great grandma she is such a neat lady. I was thinking about what she said and on top that you also know that you did the right thing which is a reward in and of itself.

I guess you could say I added to my one goal this year, on top of doing everything I can to let Heavenly Father make more of me then I can of myself I want to do my best to truly love others. Which includes those who are unkind to me, that's the hard part. It's easy to show more love to friends, family and even strangers. The struggle is showing love towards those who have hurt us. It makes me think of my primary classes and how often they talk about being son's and daughter's of God. If a primary child can learn that so can I. Which means I need to treat people accordingly.

Free!

Well not exactly but I feel alot lighter emotionally then I have since about Jan. 9th. I managed to get the Ex to agree that I would take all of our tax return and pay the bills as long as I got whatever was left over. Let me just say he got the better end of that deal but I at least got some thing. Not only that but he let all his bills get late fee's over the last two months so every bill I paid was about $10-$20 more then it was supposed to be. But I am SOO glad that I paid them myself because that way I KNOW they are paid I don't think the Ex would have paid them otherwise haha. But I am DEBT FREE!! So minus my gym membership and cell phone I have no bills right now. And if the adoption goes through then I won't have to worry about medical bills either. And as soon as my lawyer lets me know that the Judge signed that paper I'll be Kari Lynn Christiansen again and I am so ready for that! I'll be at the top of the list alphabetically again haha I missed that.

Today I dropped off the rest of his things off at his lawyer's office that felt good too. It's like I have been carrying around this bagpack that someone else filled full of rocks and made me carry and now it's all but empty. All I have to do now is finish up the baby stuff which will be a challenge but that part I can control how it all goes which is nice to know and I won't really have to deal with the Ex until then. Oh and an update on my lisence is that they sent me a letter saying they needed more Info from me but they sent it to my old apartment. Last week I sent out that info to them and as soon as they get it I should get a lisence. That whole process takes WAY too long but as long as I get it I'm happy.

Light at the End of the Tunnel!

 OK! So the lawyer pow-wow went down this morning and all I can say is wow! I was ready to hurl on my way there it was THE last place I wanted to be in the entire universe. The Ex showed up late which I thought was ironic at best especially for as much crap as he gave me for being late to unimportant things. Then he went into a back room and hid while his lawyer my lawyer and me discussed what we wanted to have happen. Making it so his lawyer had to run back and forth to get his client's "ok". Haha, like I sad WOW, he never ceases to amaze me and I am SOOOO glad I'm not going to have to deal with that kind of crap anymore. I mean he couldn't even be man enough to sit in the same room with everyone, grow a pair would ya! But thats totally beside the point! He finally signed the papers and things went favorably my way. Mostly because I am in charge of making sure things get paid, so I'll know bills will get paid. I'm so happy that this legal portion is over. Not to mention today is the most beautiful day I have seen since winter ended. What a great way to start the weekend, with a load taken off my shoulders and a little more peace of mind.

Temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple tonight. Recently I have gone several times. It's strange how its so peaceful there and yet the temple and the doctor's are the two hardest places to be and not cry. It's difficult to watch all the couples and be alone. And it's ironic because I'm still married. I went mainly to get some peace before I go to my lawyer meeting tomorrow morning. The appointment has been making me more and more nervous the closer its gotten. I'm not used to dealing with anxiety on this level. I just want things to be done on the legal side of this terrible mess so that I can focus on the hard part, which for me is the adoption. The closer my due date gets the harder the whole idea is. I've been expecting it so I'm not surprised but it doesn't make it any easier to think about how difficult birth is physically and then on top of that to know I'm only going to have my baby for 2 days. The articles in the Ensign last month helped I felt very strongly when I read them and they gave me a small sense of peace. The situation gets difficult because having a baby when your married is expected and now everything is totally different then I ever planned. I'm SO thankful that the temple is as close as it is, going has kept me in one piece physically and spiritually.

Dr. Appointment

Today I got to see if I was diabetic and my results. . . Negative. Yay me :) I was supposed to fast for a full hour before going but I finished my meal about 15 min later then had planned. So I fasted for about 45 min. I was worried that it would make my glucouse level too high. I wasn't going to tell them unless I failed the test haha that's kinda bad but oh well. I scored a 125 and anything under 140 is passing. I got weighed again as well and my total weight gain so far is 16 pounds. Definately a number I can live with. I wasn't a fan of having blood drawn for the test but this time it was just a little vial and it was only once, that was a relief. My friend from school donates plasma twice a week and I don't know how she does it.

Divorce

I know I haven't really said much about this particular part of what's been going on in my life on here, but I just felt like I needed to set everyone straight on a few things. First- I don't want anyone feeling bad about what happened as far as my Ex walking out goes. It's been very hard but not in the way I would ever have imagined. I cry way more about the fact he doesn't care about our son then the fact that he was ok walking out on me. If it wasn't for the baby this situation would be such a relief for me.

Second- I honestly have felt so much better about myself since he left. My Ex and most of his family were not very kind to me... ever. I was constently left feeling like I just wasn't good enough when I knew I was and that I was trying my best, being told I was unkind, unthoughtful, immature and the list goes on and on and on.  I cried about it way too much, no one wants to feel that way, most especailly when the people who make you feel that way are supposed to be your "family". The whole thing was just a joke. If I offended someone (over ANYTHING) it was held against me forever, but when I was offended it was like "get over it all ready," well that is if my feelings were ever even addressed, which was almost never. The best thing for me right now is to get as far away from them and that situation as possible. Thankfully the Ex has made that very easy. He barely answers any form of communication I try (which isn't very often), even when I was trying to get his mail to him. I haven't even seen him in person since the 12th of January and I think that speaks for itself.

I want all my friends and family who read this to know that I love you so much and appreciate so much the support and compliments you have given me recently. You have made me see that I have been selling myself short. Not that I don't have flaws (boy do I ever) I have plenty, but I was forgetting about my potential completely. I often read your comments and all I can do is cry, the out pour of Love from everyone has been so amazing! I love all of you so much and I don't know what I would do without you.

Recently one of my friends gave me the greatest compliment I have recieved in a LONG time it may sound silly, but he told me I was all grown up, and that I was a woman now. I have been being told that I am imature for the last 2 years, and treated that way. I amost cried when he said it because I knew he meant it and I knew it was true. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm not sad about the divorce that only lasted about a week. I know there is someone else out there for me and I'm not worried about that at all.

I also know that because of the choices I have made my life has been very easy, my Heavenly Father has blessed me SO much. I have never had a really difficult physical trial in my entire life, so if this is what this lesson is I guess I can handle that. It goes along with my goal for this year to let Heavenly Father make more of me then I can of myself. This is just one of those times where I will have to hang on and trust. Life isn't always about the good choices "you" make sometimes you learn how to deal with other people's agency, and sometimes its just about learning to endure to the end. You don't get to choose what you trials are but you can choose to endure to the end of them.

7 months

 

This Sunday was 28 weeks. Its weird because I feel different then I did 2 months ago but not a month ago. Everything so far seems to have gone really slow. I know I'm showing now, it makes going out in public really awkward. Its frustrating to know that while technically I'm married I'm basically a single pregnant woman. It also makes a lot of the milestones in this situation more of a sad issue rather then the occassion they should be. I get mail all the time with baby coupons in it and the other day I got a newborn diaper, that really upset me and the hormones don't help I'm sure. And the last time I went to the doctor I went alone (I went alone to doctor appointments a couple of times before my ex left but that didn't bother me) however this last time it did. Immensely. I watched a husband and wife come out of an ultrasound and they just found out they were having a boy, and the Father was so excited. It was all I could do to not just break down right there. I have another appointment this week, and thankfully my mom is going to come with me. I get to find out if I have gestational diabetes, yay..... sarcasm.

I'm so glad I have my family here with me they make me feel so much better, if I was alone right now I would probably die. On the plus side I think I have decided on an adoptive family. I have known for a while and have become more and more sure as time goes on. I'm not telling people who or the family because things are so volitile in this situation that I don't want to disapoint, but its a comfort to me. It's been a frustrating task its hard when people tell you about families who want a baby, I know how hard that must be, but as a birth mom its so frustrating to have people tell you all the time about families they know. It's like having a puppy that everyone wants. However I did find my family through someone telling me so it has its pro's and con's.