Placement

 Baby and I got lots of time compared to alot of Birth Mom's and Baby's. I had my Baby at 7:11am on Wednesday and I placed him Saturday morning at 9:30am, and we visited with the family again till about noon. That's 4 days and some change. My hospital stay was a dream. I decided not to tell my Ex a thing until I was ready to leave the hospital, at that time the counselor called him. I was happy that he only got 2 hours. It was all he asked for but still he didn't deserve it. After his demands last week I felt so smug in how things turned out. All I can say is that after everything I went through I didn't feel bad at all about letting myself be a little selfish for once. My brother Brandon held him and saw him more then my Ex got to. He got everything he wanted back in January and pathetically I'm not even sure what it was, but whatever it was I hope it was worth it to him. I wouldn't trade my time for anything. And it was not my fault that the other party didn't get to see his son born. Turns out when you treat the mother of your kid like crap she isn't going to include you in special personal moments. Choices, we all have them and no one can make them for you, but you still have consequences.

The hardest time was probably my last day in the hospital. I just started to feel dread and my stomach was churning which made me not hungry, I knew the time to say good-bye was coming. I think I held baby just about every second I could. I just wanted to feel him and smell him, I didn't want to forget. I'm lucky he was such a sweet snuggly little baby. Even though I was tired and sore I tried to do as much as I could like change his diapers on my own and I kept him in my room all night, I even started to walk to the nursery everytime they did his little evaluations.

When Saturday morning came I went to the agency and signed some papers, I couldn't help but cry as I read and signed. Then we went into the room where his family was waiting. I think that was the hardest I just didn't want to let him go. And of course he was being the good little baby he always is sleeping in my arms. I don't know why but it was easiest to give him to his older brother first. After we visited for about 2 hours. Then my mom drove me home.

That was hard, I was going home empty handed, I probably cried more in the drive home then Baby had the whole time I had him. At that time my Ex and his family got come and visit. I waited at home. When they were done I had asked several days before if they would come by my house one last time before they left for Boise. It was very comforting to know that even though my Ex's family got to see and hold Baby, I was still the one who got to see him most and see him last. I'm glad Baby's family were kind enough to do that for me I really needed it, even if it wasn't a very long visit it was just enough.

It's amazing how perfect your own baby is. My Baby will always have two mom's, I'm glad I can say that. I'll always be his Mama, even if I can't be his Mommy. It's sad that his "bio dad" wasn't more intrested but his real dad loves him so much. And I'm so excited for my Baby and his older brother they are going to be great buddies. I couldn't have found a more perfect family if I had tried. I say that because I didn't pick Them Heavenly Father and Baby let me know where he needed to go.

Baby

I took ToNs of pictures during my time with Baby Christian. Here are some of my favorites.

Happy Birthday

I had my Baby! I don't know his offical name yet so I'm going to refer to him as baby Christian. His middle name is short for Christiansen. He was born at 7:11 am (I weighed 7"11) on Wednesday May 27th 2009 weighed 7lb and 3oz and was 20 and 1/4 in long. Baby Christian was born with ten little fingers and ten little toes, bright blue eyes, plenty of soft pretty brown baby hair and the sweetest spirit of any baby I have ever felt.

Straight from heaven it was so amazing to feel somthing that new. He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, he is Perfect. I'm going to miss him... alot.

Summertime

The last 2 months my mom and I have been sharing a job at one of the local school in disctrict #91. And school is almost over! I'm going to be so sad. It's so fun to teach kids, most of our kids are behind in Math. Haha I'm not going to lie but when I started I was pretty rusty on my addition, subtraction, multiplication AND division. Now I'm a practical whiz! We have one 2nd grader, two 3rd graders, two 4th graders and a 6th grader. Out of all of the kids only two are boys but they are all so fun. It kinda gives you a bit of a complex haha some days I go home feeling like "I'm such a good person for teaching little children everyday". I hope that next school year will be just as fun as this year has been. Being in a resource room is so great.

Better

Ok so yesterday was not good. But today I managed to chill out a bit if you will. I decided to go to the temple with my mom this evening. There is not a better way to calm your nerves or make you feel more peaceful. And I love seeing people I know there. Today I saw the guy that did my taxes in 2007, a 7th grade teacher, a lady who was in 39th ward with me and a lady I worked with at TJMaxx. It's so nice to see people that you know even if you aren't on 1st name standings with them, anyone I see and recognize at the temple makes me happy.

I think I have created a much better habbit of going to the temple throughout all that's happened. I was thinking about it today and I think I go 1-3 times every month. My goal is to go once but lately I just find myself there more, and it's been great. I have gone more in the last 5 months then I did the ENTIRE time I was married. It's really difficult to want to go by yourself when your married and the other person always finds something else to do. It's still not as fun going alone but I have learned to enjoy it in my own way and time.

I'm so thankful for the gospel it's the only thing that has kept me going besides my amazing family. I scanned the ensign of conference talks the other day and again I was just in awe of how ridiculously personal each of the messages were to me. There were only a couple of talks that didn't address somthing that I am going throuhg right now. I love the leaders that give the talks too, it's so amazing to feel their love for us. I have never been a very big fan of any celebrities or musicians but I have always wanted to meet the brethren in person. I saw president Monson last year at women's conference that was truly an amazing experience.

Thank you to all my friends and family again. I love you guys so much and you have been so great at being there for me, even if you don't live here. I just thought I would let you all know I'm doing much better after yesterday haha it's probably not good to write on my blog after I have a melt down but venting is a must somedays.

Stress

Today started off really well. I went to my doctor app. found out that I was dialated to a 3 and the midwife stripped my membranes. I was really hoping (and still am) that it will help move things along. It either takes effect within the next 24 to 48 hours or it does nothing- so I'm hoping. Then everything went downhill, FAST.

I have been avoiding the subject of the Ex for a while now even though it effects me almost daily. But if I don't vent about this I'm going to explode. He has decided that when I have the baby he wants to have his whole family circus there. Now in a normal situation that would be fine. In this situation though it's not. This is a rhetorical question for the most part, but how would you feel if you spent the last 5 months being pregnant with absolutely NO support from your Ex OR his family? Now how would you feel after you go through all that and the pain of labor and you know your going to give your baby up to have his family think that they should be allowed to share in ANY of YOUR hard work?

I'll tell you how I feel, used. The fact that they could be as selfish to pretend that they care just so that they can see the baby, once I have done all the work makes me so mad I just cry. I just wish that he would give me one thing and that is to keep his crazy family from my kid until it goes home with his adoptive family where he belongs. Once again he has NO clue what I have been going through for the last 5 months and today he just calls up and leaves a nasty voicemail telling me his demands, or he claims he won't follow through with the adoption. MEMO TO HIM- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND THE PRODUCT OF YOUR OWN DECISIONS, NOT MINE!!!! Like I have said perviously, the divorce part has not been difficult for me and in a way I'm glad he's the one who decided to end it, since I would never want to be responsible for breaking my convanants over the issues we had been having. I just wish if that was how he felt he would have skipped away BEFORE the baby.

I just don't get it. I paid the bills in the divorce, let him keep money that was literally and legally half mine, let him keep the car, and haven't bothered him since and he cannot do anything for me. It's like constantly losing when you know your playing fair. I have had to carry around this baby alone. Go to doctors appointments with no husband, listen to my baby's heartbeat knowing that I don't get to keep him and explain my situation to people when they realize I'm not married (anymore). I know he hasn't done any of that. And the ONLY thing I'm asking is that he keep his family that deserted me and was unkind to me the entire time we were married out of all this, and he won't even do that.

My struggle is where can I find closure? He's insisting that he get his but at this point I'm so tired of him running the show I could die (literally). I have never had to deal with anyone who was so selfish everytime I have asked for ANYTHING in ANY of this he has said no or said yes and done the opposite. I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't understand why his family insits on being this way. They can support him without torturing me. I just can't wait till days like this don't exist. I hate crying till I have a headache and getting so mad and worried that I feel sick. I refuse to let this stuff change my mind but why does it have to be so hard, on me? I just can't win.

Baby Stuff

I have started going to the doctor every week now. I wish they would hurry things up. I hate having to go all the time. I recently found out that I don't have strep-B so that was a plus. But I am serisouly dying to be done right NOW! I feel so huge. Bleh! I will most likely not have a baby again for like 5 years. Lately I am so uncomfortable ALL the time. I'm just glad that I still sleep really well but it seems like if I'm not laying down on my side (right or left) that I am just NOT comfortable at all. All my clothes are just tight or they rub wrong, it makes me grumpy haha. Two weeks ago I measured 36 weeks when I was 35 weeks, and then last week I lost some cm's so that has been going good. Tommorrow at 9 am I'm headed to the doctor again so they can see me for like 10 min and send me home :( If I have baby on his due date or sooner I won't have another lamaze class because of memorial day. That makes me happy, but other then that, that is just about all that's happening right now. Hopefully withing the next 7 days I can say I'm finally done and that I'm NOT pregnant haha oh happy day it will be.

Here are my before and after pictures. It's 3 months and 9 months. All I can say is I can't wait to just be 20 years old again haha.

9 months

Last week on Thursday was another baby appointment. It went well and I measured a week ahead of what I was, I was only 3 days away but I'll take what I can get! I'm at 28 lbs gained which is still a number I can live with. I think the hardest part was hearing his heart beat, it's so hard to love him when I know I can't keep him but it's impossible not to. This weekend I met the family that I chose to adopt my baby. They are the perfect family. It's so hard to be this close to the end of all this. I just want to be done! The sooner that I can think of my baby in his new home with his big brother the better. Right now I still worry about the Ex changing his mind even though I really don't think he will. Once I can get through this I can truly move on and I'm excited I have ALOT of things going for me right now and I'm ready to be able to truly dive back into life as fully as I can. As of Monday I managed to pick up a bit of a head cold, and its just enough to make me tired and my throat is sooooo sore! Normally I just drug and vitamin myself up really good and I'm over it in like 3 days but I have to be alot more careful about what I take so this is probably going to be like this for a week or more, Bleh! I never get sick and I'm glad it's so inconvieniant haha.