Light at the End of the Tunnel!

 OK! So the lawyer pow-wow went down this morning and all I can say is wow! I was ready to hurl on my way there it was THE last place I wanted to be in the entire universe. The Ex showed up late which I thought was ironic at best especially for as much crap as he gave me for being late to unimportant things. Then he went into a back room and hid while his lawyer my lawyer and me discussed what we wanted to have happen. Making it so his lawyer had to run back and forth to get his client's "ok". Haha, like I sad WOW, he never ceases to amaze me and I am SOOOO glad I'm not going to have to deal with that kind of crap anymore. I mean he couldn't even be man enough to sit in the same room with everyone, grow a pair would ya! But thats totally beside the point! He finally signed the papers and things went favorably my way. Mostly because I am in charge of making sure things get paid, so I'll know bills will get paid. I'm so happy that this legal portion is over. Not to mention today is the most beautiful day I have seen since winter ended. What a great way to start the weekend, with a load taken off my shoulders and a little more peace of mind.

Temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple tonight. Recently I have gone several times. It's strange how its so peaceful there and yet the temple and the doctor's are the two hardest places to be and not cry. It's difficult to watch all the couples and be alone. And it's ironic because I'm still married. I went mainly to get some peace before I go to my lawyer meeting tomorrow morning. The appointment has been making me more and more nervous the closer its gotten. I'm not used to dealing with anxiety on this level. I just want things to be done on the legal side of this terrible mess so that I can focus on the hard part, which for me is the adoption. The closer my due date gets the harder the whole idea is. I've been expecting it so I'm not surprised but it doesn't make it any easier to think about how difficult birth is physically and then on top of that to know I'm only going to have my baby for 2 days. The articles in the Ensign last month helped I felt very strongly when I read them and they gave me a small sense of peace. The situation gets difficult because having a baby when your married is expected and now everything is totally different then I ever planned. I'm SO thankful that the temple is as close as it is, going has kept me in one piece physically and spiritually.

Dr. Appointment

Today I got to see if I was diabetic and my results. . . Negative. Yay me :) I was supposed to fast for a full hour before going but I finished my meal about 15 min later then had planned. So I fasted for about 45 min. I was worried that it would make my glucouse level too high. I wasn't going to tell them unless I failed the test haha that's kinda bad but oh well. I scored a 125 and anything under 140 is passing. I got weighed again as well and my total weight gain so far is 16 pounds. Definately a number I can live with. I wasn't a fan of having blood drawn for the test but this time it was just a little vial and it was only once, that was a relief. My friend from school donates plasma twice a week and I don't know how she does it.

Divorce

I know I haven't really said much about this particular part of what's been going on in my life on here, but I just felt like I needed to set everyone straight on a few things. First- I don't want anyone feeling bad about what happened as far as my Ex walking out goes. It's been very hard but not in the way I would ever have imagined. I cry way more about the fact he doesn't care about our son then the fact that he was ok walking out on me. If it wasn't for the baby this situation would be such a relief for me.

Second- I honestly have felt so much better about myself since he left. My Ex and most of his family were not very kind to me... ever. I was constently left feeling like I just wasn't good enough when I knew I was and that I was trying my best, being told I was unkind, unthoughtful, immature and the list goes on and on and on.  I cried about it way too much, no one wants to feel that way, most especailly when the people who make you feel that way are supposed to be your "family". The whole thing was just a joke. If I offended someone (over ANYTHING) it was held against me forever, but when I was offended it was like "get over it all ready," well that is if my feelings were ever even addressed, which was almost never. The best thing for me right now is to get as far away from them and that situation as possible. Thankfully the Ex has made that very easy. He barely answers any form of communication I try (which isn't very often), even when I was trying to get his mail to him. I haven't even seen him in person since the 12th of January and I think that speaks for itself.

I want all my friends and family who read this to know that I love you so much and appreciate so much the support and compliments you have given me recently. You have made me see that I have been selling myself short. Not that I don't have flaws (boy do I ever) I have plenty, but I was forgetting about my potential completely. I often read your comments and all I can do is cry, the out pour of Love from everyone has been so amazing! I love all of you so much and I don't know what I would do without you.

Recently one of my friends gave me the greatest compliment I have recieved in a LONG time it may sound silly, but he told me I was all grown up, and that I was a woman now. I have been being told that I am imature for the last 2 years, and treated that way. I amost cried when he said it because I knew he meant it and I knew it was true. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm not sad about the divorce that only lasted about a week. I know there is someone else out there for me and I'm not worried about that at all.

I also know that because of the choices I have made my life has been very easy, my Heavenly Father has blessed me SO much. I have never had a really difficult physical trial in my entire life, so if this is what this lesson is I guess I can handle that. It goes along with my goal for this year to let Heavenly Father make more of me then I can of myself. This is just one of those times where I will have to hang on and trust. Life isn't always about the good choices "you" make sometimes you learn how to deal with other people's agency, and sometimes its just about learning to endure to the end. You don't get to choose what you trials are but you can choose to endure to the end of them.

7 months

 

This Sunday was 28 weeks. Its weird because I feel different then I did 2 months ago but not a month ago. Everything so far seems to have gone really slow. I know I'm showing now, it makes going out in public really awkward. Its frustrating to know that while technically I'm married I'm basically a single pregnant woman. It also makes a lot of the milestones in this situation more of a sad issue rather then the occassion they should be. I get mail all the time with baby coupons in it and the other day I got a newborn diaper, that really upset me and the hormones don't help I'm sure. And the last time I went to the doctor I went alone (I went alone to doctor appointments a couple of times before my ex left but that didn't bother me) however this last time it did. Immensely. I watched a husband and wife come out of an ultrasound and they just found out they were having a boy, and the Father was so excited. It was all I could do to not just break down right there. I have another appointment this week, and thankfully my mom is going to come with me. I get to find out if I have gestational diabetes, yay..... sarcasm.

I'm so glad I have my family here with me they make me feel so much better, if I was alone right now I would probably die. On the plus side I think I have decided on an adoptive family. I have known for a while and have become more and more sure as time goes on. I'm not telling people who or the family because things are so volitile in this situation that I don't want to disapoint, but its a comfort to me. It's been a frustrating task its hard when people tell you about families who want a baby, I know how hard that must be, but as a birth mom its so frustrating to have people tell you all the time about families they know. It's like having a puppy that everyone wants. However I did find my family through someone telling me so it has its pro's and con's.