Oh, Idaho I love you. There are so many things about Idaho that I love. Coming "home" to Idaho, however, has changed. In the back of my mind I always thought I would most likely come back to Idaho, specifically Idaho Falls. Even though many of my relatives and closer friends live here I'm starting to really wonder if I want to move back. There are literally times when my heart aches as I watch friends and family do things in Idaho while we are thousands of miles away.
Birthdays and Beauty school. Also please note this was the most random sampling of photos I could come up with that had pictures of as many of my friends as I could find. Unfortunately a LOT of my pictures are old school and I'm not about to scan them.
And yet I have grown to feel a sense of safety living in a town where my past does not exist. I'd love to completely blame it on certain experiences that occurred in 2009, but the truth is there is more to that. I drove around a couple of nights while we were in Idaho Falls over Christmas to my old houses, friends houses, schools and places we used to hang out and for some reason I felt a great deal of sadness. I'm sure that some of that is easily related to the pain I constantly feel over the lightning speed of time, but I sometimes wonder if it's more than that.
Stake dances, and dates
When I am in Idaho Falls I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder to see people I know. Not necessarily for people I don't want to see. When I am in Idaho Falls I feel as though my mind runs through "what if's" way more then I like. I can't explain it more than that. I say that I grew up in Idaho Falls because we moved there when I was 9. Basically the time I spent in Idaho Falls was when I started to remember things more clearly. The years before are much more random memories.
While I lived in Idaho Falls I started young women's, started Junior High (aka the worst couple of years ever), attended seminary, had my first real crush, my first kiss, my first love, learned to drive, finished high school, bought my first car, went to the temple, got married, graduated beauty school, got divorced, had my first baby and then moved away. I think its safe to say, barring few exceptions, that I experienced most of my larger emotional experiences in my life up to this point right here in Idaho Falls.
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Commencement 2005 and the last day of school 2003.
What's interesting though is how my sense of safety and familiarity has changed. Am I more aware of how much I went through? Maybe. Am I less sentimental? Possibly. The best way to describe it is that I feel as though I'm not able to look forward as well when I am here. It's like I am caught up in nostalgia, which is NOT necessarily a horrible thing. When I am in Ohio (where we currently live) I don't question myself as much. I look to the future and I most definitely don't second guess myself the way I do in Idaho Falls. In theory though none of this matters because even if I wanted to move back we wouldn't be able for another five and a half years or in 2020.... that's weird.
boyfriends ;)
Beauty school again
My mama and I.
Maybe I will feel differently then. Maybe, even though it's been 5+ years since my most difficult experience I've ever had, I'm still not ready to go back now that I have moved away. The longer we are away the better it gets, but lets just say for now when people ask me if we plan to move back I can honestly say I'm about 50/50 on that subject for now. I am really excited to put roots down in Florida for a while and see how that goes before I can more fully decide on that question.
1 comment:
Oh my gosh! I love your hair for the sweetheart dance! So cute! And I love your dress for formal (the bluish one). Such a fun post! Also, I heart the new picture of Davie for his new year!
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