A Little Physical Introspection and Perspective

I've been debating on posting this blog for over a month now because it's personal. However I have had a couple of other friends share similar type posts recently so I decided that I've waited long enough.

My hair this February.
This is how I started last year 2014.

Around May of last year when I graduated and this last summer I started feeling like I really needed a change. Which was fine because we were moving and I had been so happy about moving I really did not expect to feel so restless once we did. I can't quite explain it but I'm sure everyone gets feeling this way every now and then. And funny enough that restlessness ultimately and primarily manifested itself through my changing hair. One of the reasons why I've been debating whether I should share this post forever is because I already touched on the subject a little in July. My blog has been sparse the last little while so the last thing I wanted to do is bore all of you with my sad repetition.

This picture is a perfect example of what I want to talk about. It was taken of me and I really didn't like how I looked. I hadn't had time to put on makeup and I truly felt... not good looking. All I did was blow dry my hair and put on clothes, that little gal next to me had me tired and I felt like that exhaustion was written all over my face. And looking back I'm thinking, "oh well that's no so bad I guess". Hind sight really is 20/20. Over the last 6- 12 months I have really been struggling with my looks. I am in no way trying to be silly or beg for compliments. I am being honest. I would look in the mirror daily and not like what I saw.  I was not happy. I have been struggling with my face, my skin, my hair, my weight, my thoughts, my abilities and all my short comings. Since I've had Macy I have not yet managed to drop the last 10 pounds. It may not sound like much but to me on my body it makes a world of difference in my overall size and how I feel, especially in my jeans. I've never thought of myself as some drop dead gorgeous girl, but I haven't felt as plain or homely as I have this last year since I was in junior high.  

The ponytail on the top of my head is my version of "giving up" on my hair. My long hair spent a LOT of time on the top of my head this last year (disclaimer there is nothing innately wrong with ponytails). This post is going to wander a little but it's kind of complicated to express how I have been feeling. In general I would say I would tend to feel anxious or frustrated beyond what was normal for me, not really depressed. I really despise it when I get this way.  

A rare good hair day from this summer. Man! I did not realize how long it was.

 This picture is a joke. My mom asked me why I was never in any of the pictures I was sending her. So I sent her something she could cherish- forever. Notice the bun, I gave up that day too. There really are a lot of pictures of my like this from this last year.

 Another picture with my hair COMPLETELY out of my face. What is funny about this bun or ponytail that I deemed "ugly" is that looking back, even though I still don't love it, I really don't feel like I looked that bad. At the time I felt horrible.

 Can anybody blame a gal for giving up on her hair??

Right before I permed my hair.

We visited family in November and December and while we were there I got a perm. I like perms I don't care what people say. 

See perms aren't so bad, and if you look at these pics and you still disagree it's because these pictures were literally taken right after I got my perm so I hadn't had a chance to style it the way I liked it yet.

Sadly though because of my blonde highlights I had to have a more gentle perm. That meant that the darker parts of my hair flattened out pretty quickly because the perm wasn't strong enough. And I slowly started cutting my hair. 

Styled by yours truly. Pretty right? I love curls.

See perms aren't so bad.

Which leads me to my next topic. The pixie. Really all the perm was, was a way to keep me from buzzing my head. You heard me. BUZZING my HEAD. I was so tired of my hair, it just didn't do what I wanted it to do. Also I was still shedding post Macy pregnancy. Above I used the word restless to describe how I felt but another good word was itchy. Mostly figuratively but also a little literally (it was my hair that was bugging me after all). 

What people with curly hair, or those who hate perms, don't realize is perms give your hair volume when you straighten it and helps hold curls in your hair if you want it curly.

Some of my problem right now is I don't have the money to get my hair done as often as I'd like and I have gotten to the point where I really don't want to do it myself anymore. In fact until I colored it in March my hair had gone uncolored for 10 months.... thats the longest it's gone uncolored in at least a decade. I have noticed that I really don't like how I look without my blonde hair and this last particular couple of months is a great example of that. So After getting a perm and it fading so quickly (sad face) I cut it. Then I cut it again, and again, and AGAIN.

First cut, notice how it's barely longer than my shoulders. It used to be like 4+ inches past.
 It was so funny because everyone was like "oh you don't really want to cut your hair do you?!" And technically I didn't BUT I wasn't loving it long at the moment either so I figured things could only get better if it was shorter since I would have less hair to deal with each time I cut it. 

Davie's birthday, this is my hair almost all natural. Hadn't been dyed in 9+ months!

Horrible (terrible, awful etc) picture but this was the second cut. Just look at the curls though, they had gotten really lose. To be honest though I'm still not in love with my hair. The cut still isn't quite what I want but I have felt more like myself and it's the shortest my hair has been since about.... the summer of 1994?? So basically 21 years. WOW-zah! Anyways thank you all so much for being so sweet and kind on Facebook after I posted my new picture with my short hair, it really bolstered my spirits. AND last, but not least, my solution for my frustrations has been to TRY to eat a little better (I have my favorite naughty treats that I will admit to keeping around the house too often recently), actually using our treadmill, and I finally scheduled an appointment with an LDS counselor. First appointment in 5 years. I've gone twice now and it really is weird how much being able to vent a little to a completely unrelated party helps. I've been feeling better.

Now maybe I can get over myself a little ;) because if nothing else I'm pretty sure these two don't care <3