Ineffable

Ever since I was little I have not wanted to grow up. When everyone else talked about how cool or fun it would be to be bigger I would simply nod my head while disagreeing entirely. 

Now that I am all grown up (whatever that means) I still find myself fairly resistant to growing up and from the moment Davie was born I have felt the same way about him. I am prefacing my post with this because it might better explain how I feel. Besides having given a child up for adoption and feeling an extra strong need to be around Davie all the time I also do not want him to grow up. 

I'm not trying to say that I am better than any other mom but the way I feel about growing up is different because I still know how I feel and felt about it as I got older. I mentioned it in my post about bringing Davie home from the hospital. No mom wants to see their baby grow up but I feel that I am even more sensitive to that because of how I myself have always felt about growing up. 

That being said I have been feeling a little guilty about some of the misplaced frustration I have had with Davie lately. I do it with lots of things and people in my life. I will suddenly realize that I have let some of the little things in life disproportionately tip my scales of happiness. However when I let that happen with Davie I feel horrible. I love my little boy so much and he really is such a good baby that I shouldn't feel that way, but alas I am human. 

It's funny though because even with my irritation I never fail to let Davie distract me at least once a day (ten times) from something I should be doing. Can I just say I am so glad and so thankful that I have been able to nurse him! The little guy is not very snuggly and about 90% of the time I feel like its the only time I get to hold him and just enjoy him.

 I guess what I am saying is that feel that inevitable pain every time I look at Davie and realize he is growing up, which is silly but true. A while back I noticed several moms post a blog to "Not Carpe Diem" on Facebook and after reading it I was sad. Not that I think everyday is going to be perfect but because I don't understand why you wouldn't at least TRY every day to "seize the day". Isn't that the whole point of life? Not only that but every time some random stranger comes up to me and tells me to enjoy Davie (which happens at almost every outing) I try to internalize it. Maybe I am just extra concerned about getting my fair share of Davie.

Even though I know Davie won't be our only child and I'll have more babies throughout my life all I can think about is how I'll never get any day I live back. I will never live through today again. That is true and so to me that means I try to love Davie even when he is spitting up all over me and being super whinny. I never feel bad for letting "other things" fall to the to-do list and letting Davie be my center of attention. Whether or not I enjoy every second of the day has nothing to do with whether or not I want to try my best to enjoy it.

I'm a little worried about how much sense I feel I am NOT making in this post but the bottom line is I love Davie. I will never cease to be amazed about how much I find myself staring at his big blue eyes, laughing at his cheesy-ness, kissing his little face while he is trying to pull away and in short trying to remember as many moments as I can. As well as crying profusely when he finally slows down and I get to admire his perfect features.

 I keep waiting for the day that I don't feel so emotional about him but I'm starting to realize there will never be a such day. Having him has brought a whole new level of joy to my life that I have wanted ever since I was old enough to realize I wanted kids. I cannot believe how happy he makes me and how perfect I feel he is, even after he refuses to go to sleep for 3 hours one night, decides he needs to have a break down for no apparent reason or spits up all over me and the new carpet. 

Lastly for those mom's out there who always blame crying about their babies growing up on their hormones, my only response is why? Why does it have to be hormonal to cry about your baby growing up? I say it is sad! It seems that just about everything you go through with your baby is so bittersweet that shedding a few tears now and then (daily) should be expected.