Where in the US...

I guess I should write about this since not everyone has a husband in medical school or even a husband in medical school that goes into the same field. I feel like I have done nothing, but talk about and try to explain David's schedule/ future work prospects for the last 3 years haha! So in hopes of having everyone know what goes on around here, I will explain some more. 

Medical school is a 4 year program followed by a residency. A residency can last 3-5 years and can be followed by a one year fellowship depending on what the person wants to specialize in. To put that into perspective when I married David I basically signed up for (braced myself for) 10 years worth of schooling. 

Residency is a PAID program but it only starts out at about $45- 50 thousand a year. That may sound good but the first year of residency (also known as an internship year) can have weeks where you work 80 hours. This usually brings even the higher paid residents to about $5 an hour. Different specialties make more or less in residency and work more or less hours in the week. Thankfully radiology isn't going to be nearly as awful as surgery! I was preparing for a lot worse then what we are signing up for. Most of David's interviews so far have said that he will work from about 7 or 8am until about 6 pm and some even give off weekends and holidays (such a blessing!!!). 

Radiology has a 4 year residency that does not include the internship year. Unless you go to what is called a categorical program, then you get to stay in one location for 5 years. 

Timeline

Medical school-
year one- book learning and class

year two- book learning and class

year three- rotations and testing

year four- some rotations, interviews and more testing

Radiology residency-

transitional year- WORK, WORK, WORK

Resident year one

two 

three 

four

Fellowship- one year

Another thing I always get asking is where we will be going next and my answer is always "I don't know" because I don't. Right now David has about 20 some odd interviews planned at various states all over the country. Several Arizona & Ohio programs (including Case Western in Cleveland), 2 in Florida, Spokane WA, Michigan, California, New Mexico, 2 in Texas, Wisconsin, Dartmouth, Jons Hopkins,  New York, and thats all I can remember for now.

We were a little annoyed that a program in Utah has already denied us, but I have to think about the fact that David already has 2 Ivy league residency interviews, one at Case Western and was even put on a waiting list at Harvard! Bottom line? It's a good thing we did not hold our breath waiting for the Utah program which isn't even as highly rated as his other interviews (so dumb). We aren't the first family we know to get turned down by a program in Utah, heading back to home (or close to it) just is not very typical.

In February when all the interviews are done and we have had some time to think about it we will rank the programs we liked best. Then the schools rank you, next both lists are put into a computer program and the matches are made. David and I do NOT know where we are going UNTIL March 15, 2014. Until then it's anybody's guess.

David has completed about 5 interviews now and so far his top two choices are in Arizona and Florida. Neither program is a categorical though so if we got into either we would be living in some other random area/ state for a year. When we think about what programs we like best our top 3 important factors tend to be 1. How close is the nearest temple (we hate being so far away from ours right now) 2. What is the general cost of living 3. How close is it to family. Some of the less important things that come into the equation is the weather, certain friends, airport size and distance, Ikea, and of course how much money we will make, but schools, local church presence, program benefits (insurance), and 4 year versus 5 year programs all make a difference too.

Basically there are a LOT of choices and still plenty of waiting time before David is hopefully matched. We just hope and pray that with David's two awesome Step scores we won't need to worry. However, worry is always inevitable.

Death and Adoption

Every now and then when I am struggling I find myself wandering/ surfing on blogs of mothers who have lost children. Some blogs have become famous because of their experiences and others are just telling it like it is. I remember shortly after giving Colin up a family friend said, adoption is like death because you know your child is in a better place and you are happy for them, but you are not able to see them. As I have come to read more and more "angel mom" blogs I have noticed some very big differences in the kind(s) of loss that is felt.

No matter how much positive information is shared about adoption, it is still looked upon as some sort of social taboo. "Oh you gave your baby up for adoption?" translation- you didn't want to keep your baby? You must have been young and forced into it. You must have had an immoral relationship to end up in that situation and so on. Death, not so much, after all everybody dies it's a natural part of life.

Mourning an adoption feels like something I am often forced to do in private, because it was part of another relationship that ended horribly. Its not a time in my life that I like sharing and many times I don't feel like people know what to say when I do. When I read these blogs I cannot describe my absolute envy that those mom's are able to share their grief with their husbands. I have no one earthly person I can truly share my grief with. David is AMAZING, so supportive, he listens and most of all he loves me, but he was not there with me when it happened and Colin is not his son.

Grieving a lost child is normal and people are easily expected to take weeks, months, years and lifetimes to come to grips with it, but adoption is not the same. When I talk about Colin I still feel like I am raising a social faux pas. It's weird to many people, they don't understand why I need to be able to talk about it and I can often see their inability to understand or discomfort when I openly share my experience. I try not to hold it against people, because I know they mean well, but even those within my family have essentially poo-pooed my mentioning of Colin on various occasions. It's frustrating.

 During my pregnancy with Colin I found that I had shut down emotionally and so now that I have come away from the initial pain talking about my experience brings me relief. I do not desire to talk about Colin often, mainly because I feel that I have moved on quite well, so occasionally when I do want to discuss my experience I wish it was not such an ordeal. 

Another element of adoption compared to the death of a child that I have had to come to reality with is what comes after this life. So many mothers find exquisite comfort in the thought of raising their lost child in the life to come and being sealed to their child forever. Colin was born within the covenant, but he is now sealed to his family and I am now sealed to David. 

This subject can be quite frustrating because my previous sealing to my ex is what initially (among MANY other things) made me feel like adoption would be right for Colin and myself. I did not want to keep my baby only to have my ex refuse to let me and my son be sealed to someone else when the time came. Then even after Colin was sealed to his family I had to wait for my sealing to be broken before I could marry David. It was all very complicated and time consuming, however, I am so very thankful it has all been resolved.

Over the last couple of years I have even noticed that in many ways I also feel a strong connection to those who struggle with infertility. Sometimes even more so than women who have lost a baby, because infertility is the sense of missing something you never really had. If that makes any sense. A while back a read a quote from Laura Bush on a blog about her ordeal with infertility and I was quite moved by it because I KNEW exactly how she felt.

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence.  For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for you loss."  But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives.  Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Another thing I read about infertility that I can relate to so much was basically just a list of personal and/ or inappropriate questions or statements that people love to ask about in our particular circle of religion. The one that used to get me really upset (before I had Davie) was ANY comment related to me dealing with kids, because I nannied and was in nursery/ primary, that said something like "jeesh, isn't that great birth control!?" And no. The answer was always no, especially in nursery because so many of the little boys and girls were Colin's age at the time. The other one that I have learned to let bother me less was comments about "you can have one of our kids!" I know it's a joke and there are certainly days when Davie has me on my last nerve, but I really do my best to not say that EVER. I've learned that begging for a sitter is a much better solution to my troubles.

The fact that I now have Davie definitely eases my pain, but I cannot (and no other birth mother) be expected to be "all better" after having another baby. You can never replace a child. Filling my arms with one baby does not take away the loss of the other, there is no substitution. I think about what my life would be like with Colin in it almost everyday. And one of the only things that makes it better is knowing he has a stable home and had one from the moment he was born.

These are the moments I have to look to the gospel to find meaning in all the horribleness that can be had in the aftermath of my experience. Because I have no one person on this earth that can help me process my feelings I try my best to rely on my Savior for solace. While I was pregnant with Colin and shortly after I found this much easier because my feelings were quite raw and near the surface. As I have come away from this trial my ability to express myself in words, even in prayer, is often lost. I'm still not sure if I can say I am thankful for the experience. I know I am thankful for my life now and I can appreciate the personal strength I have gained from such a pivotal and permanent decision. Just like the death of a child, I have to keep reminding myself that time will heal all and for everything else there is the love of my family, my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

My Halloweenie

Davie was Sulley for Halloween. 

Sulley and Mrs. Peacock 

Davie was very interested in this cute little gal. 

He knows a pretty little lady when he sees one!

This little miss thought Sulley was pretty interesting too.

This picture makes me so sad because the smile that was on his face 1 second before I pressed the button, was so cute. Davie thought she was just so fun walking around on her own AND she was smaller then him (which doesn't happen very often). 

Trunk or treating it up!

Friends, isn't their puppy so cute :)

Uncle Mike, Davie, Aunt Lauren.

 Mike took Davie up to the costume parade because I had a tummy ache. Then the second Davie was done running adorably across the stage I had to bail because my tummy was killing me. I have had a lot of hurt stomach incidents this pregnancy and I cannot decide what causes it, basically I feel like someone is punching me in the gut. Trust me it's not contractions so no worries there. When I get those kind of stomach aches and I'm not pregnant I just put a hot pad on a pillow and lay on my tummy. Obviously that is not possible as a pregnant lady so I get to just wait them out, which can take all evening sometimes :( That pretty much sums up our Halloween festivities right there.

Later we (Davie and myself) attempted to trick or treat on Halloween BUT the city moved the day to Sunday... annoying. And all over a little rain, it was actually warm enough I was hot in my coat outside the night of Halloween. By Sunday I just didn't have the "give a crap" to go anymore haha. This last weekend was a shut-in one. Davie has had a fever from teething off and on all week, plus a cough so we stayed home on Sunday. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise since I guess there has been a small break out of hand-foot-mouth in our ward. If Davie contracted hand-foot-mouth that would literally ruin my semester! I would have to stay home with him for like a week since HFM is so contagious. But between the trunk or treat and Daycare Halloween day festivities Davie got plenty of candy, so all is well with the world.

We're Seeing Pink

I have already posted this on Facebook, but just in case you missed it our newest addition will be a baby GIRL! I am soooo excited, admittedly I was quite cautious to be excited at first because I was paranoid that somehow they might have missed something. If we had a boy after planning for a girl it would be really annoying, mostly because we would have bought stuff we didn't need. And yes we do plan on having at least one boy and one girl (hopefully) in the future so the clothes would get used eventually, but we are poor medical students in the process of applying to residency so we are in no position to be buying stuff that isn't necessary right now.

 

(Mike and Lauren brought us some pink balloons and cookies the day we found out. The cookies were delicious!)

Also Let's face it how many of us know a friend, family member or acquaintance who was told they were expecting a girl and later found out it was a boy? I do! So after the second ultrasound (we had to go in again because little miss was being uncooperative the first time and was still a little too small for the tech to see all the body parts they needed) I feel as though I am now able to believe their expert opinion. 

(Davie decided to check them out for us)

The tech asked me if I wanted to know what I was having and if I already knew, when I answered yes she said "ok don't tell me I want to see for myself". That was a great confidence booster for me because that meant she was going to really check. So baby number 2 is a girl and I have failed to see any parts that would make me think otherwise on two different occasions :)

(After I said don't touch he promptly leaned down and began to sniff them, and say "mmmmm!")

As far as the baby goes we do have an official name that will probably NOT change, but I don't plan on posting it on here until her birthday. If you ask me in person, though, I will gladly tell you.

Last but not least this is my first frilly pink girl purchase. Between knowing what this baby is AND it being a girl I am soooo excited! So far I feel I have controlled myself quite well, especially after checking out the baby girl clothes at Old Navy. Can I just say I LOVE their girl clothes,WHEW! what a horrible temptation that store is going to be!

Anticipation

As this last year of medical school has begun to unravel I have found myself increasingly feeling like my life will start when #1- This fall semester ends and then #2- When we FINALLY get to move to a bigger place. I can't tell you how much those two things mean to me! So to put it in perspective (because we all need to force ourselves to have a little of that) here is a list of ten reasons why I cannot wait until at least next semester. As always this list is in no particular order, and random pictures.

(Snackin' and watchin' a show)

1. Having a cleaner house. Seriously ours is a disaster, but as a mom, student, and medical student's wife I typically get to pick 2 of the following (every now and then maybe 3)- good grades, good sleep, clean house, being with Davie or David. I am split about 4 ways right now and I cannot wait to feel like cleaning my house isn't distracting me from school.

(Snackin' in bed with Aunt Lala)

2. NOT taking Davie to daycare. We have had a WONDERFUL experience with his daycare, but I miss him and I feel supremely guilty being away from him to go to class and then homework. Also it is EXPENSIVE and what little aid we thought we were going to get we recently learned does not apply to us because David is in a Masters program and not his undergraduate. UGH! Seriously students in their masters programs are DIRT poor why do they get so little help!? Regardless money is tight.

(Just eating some yogurt)

3. Packing up more of our house. Seriously I cannot wait until our house has less stuff in it! It's going to be amazing.

4. Nesting! I didn't really get that too much with Davie but I already feel like I should/ need to be sterilizing everything and putting everything together (whatever that means). I think it mostly means ORGANIZE, organizing, and more organization. This goes hand in hand with packing up our house because we are packed into this place like sardines!

(This is like 2 days before I made him go cold turkey on that bad boy)

5. David's last away rotation to be finished. His second one was initially 4 weeks at the Mayo clinic in Arizona for orthopedics and now it's 2 weeks (by request) for radiology. I hate it when he is gone for longer than about 2-3 days.

(He now folds his arms on his own)

6. To FINALLY know if I can relax a little based on my grades I earn this fall. If I get all A's then I know I can graduate with a 3.9 if not I will graduate with like a 3.87, either way I can relax more. And either way Spring semester I ONLY have to write my thesis, I may or may not take another class if I feel like it. BUT since that is when our new baby is coming and I'll have just finished a 15 credit on campus semester I do not foresee that happening at this point.

(So proud)

7. Going to EVERY playdate, playgroup, ladies night out, and social event possible from January until we leave. I'm so sad I could not have been more involved sooner, but that was the way school worked out for me.... such is life.

(glow stick necklaces in the bath!)

8. Spending LOTS of time quality time with Davie. I had a couple of days off a week ago and we had had so much fun together. Simply being able to read 3-4 books in a row with him was so much fun, he loves books and for being the wiggler he is he will hold soooo still for a book!

(a gold star for modesty :)

9. Simply knowing I won't be taking more than 4 credits at a time, for a LONG time, is going to be peace of mind.

10. Spending more time with David. By the end of this semester he will have a lot less going on and aside from interviews in December he is going to be around/ available a LOT more.

(and one picture with me in it- to prove I'm still alive of course)