I was going to title this post “Mother’s Day Blog Therapy” but I was afraid I might sound to upset or bitter. So instead this is just me using my blog as therapy. What to say about Mother's Day, or rather what isn't there to say. It's a day that I have always loved, because I was raised by a rather terrific Mother myself, who some how did the impossible of being my friend and parent throughout my entire life (including the teen years, impressive I know). However, over the past three years it has become a day of extremely mixed emotions for me. Living here in
Toledo also creates another interesting aspect of the day for me.
So having said all that I'll now say this, I have grown up a lot in the last three years, A LOT. And yet the last two years on Mother's Day I wake up and I think "No big". Then I go to church I just feel miserable. Here in
Toledo was worse than in
Idaho because there everyone knows my story (are you beginning to see the double edged sword?). It is nice to feel like everyone here doesn't know EVERYTHING about me but at the same time I HATE, make sure you get that HATE, being clumped into the "newly wed/ baby-adult" category. I am a Mom, and will be even more so in the future, it’s just complicated.
I know that no one here knows they do it but it still really bothers me. I also struggle when ladies start talking to me about their kid as if I know nothing about kids and Colin is older than their boy/ or girl they are telling me about. I have to make sure I put lots of disclaimers on this post, my previous statement isn't to say I know what raising a kid is truly like BUT I just wish I could feel more involved in the conversation without telling them my life story. Typically it's not worth saying "oh ya, I got divorced while I was pregnant so I decided to give my baby up for adoption" just to be included in a conversation about pregnancy (which you ladies LOVE), but I HATE acting or feeling like I'm just some little newly wed, who hasn't been through "tough" times yet. No I haven't worked my husband through medical school yet, no we haven't been married a year yet and yes I don't have personal experience of raising my own kid, but I'm no kindergartener either.
I have given this analogy to several people and I feel like it's the best way to describe how I feel. Suppose you did two years of school and it was REALLY tough, and then you HAD to change your major and start all over. I feel like this is my 3rd almost 4th year of school but because of changing my major I'm getting stuck with the freshman again. David’s undergrad is a degree that can take up to 6 years to get and he got it in 4 years. He graduated as a single guy from BYU, that is tough stuff, but he learned to be very patient and diligent. He still has his moments but for the most part he is VERY mature. We essentially never fight, and not because we are in the “honeymoon phase” it’s because we just get along. I’ve learned to chill out a little (a little) and he is calm enough to help me through my struggles. So when others think about how long the two of us have been together and judge our relationship on time, ya it bugs me.
Now that I have vented, a couple of times, I’ll move on to the more specific topic of Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just going to be a struggle until I have my own kid. I have not ever regretted my decision to give Colin up, he is so happy and so am I, but I still get sad. The best example I have is this- I have wanted to be a Mom since I was very little. The one thing I always, ALWAYS, always knew I wanted was a family. I didn’t however know whether I wanted to go to college or Beauty school or what career I wanted, but I always knew I wanted to have kids. I know I have said similar type things before but it is true. Watching all my friends, acquaintances and family members have kids before me is exasperatingly painful. Especially when they are younger than me or I can remember them acting like they weren’t sure if they wanted to have kids, or very many, or they acted like they would rather have a career.
Giving a baby up for adoption is like losing a baby. You know they are in a better place and that they are loved and being taken care of but all you can do is imagine what they are really like. You miss them, all the time. And you only remember them the way they were when you had to say good-bye. I had someone share that with me right after I gave up Colin and it made me feel better. Sometimes it is so hard to put into words how I feel/ felt and that hit it right on.
Thank you Meagan Baxter for what you said on my Truth post a couple of months ago our babies are a part of us and there really is an instant unconditional love that every mother feels. That is so true. I think about Colin everyday and I love him so much. The number one positive thing this whole experience has taught me is that our Heavenly Father loves us beyond anything we can imagine! There is no way our Heavenly Father could love me or anyone else any less than a mother loves her baby. I am so thankful to have that knowledge and to have had such a wonderful mother myself. I also hope that all of you who read this who have your own babies will make sure you give them an extra hug or kiss for all the Moms out there who have been through what I have been through or have lost a baby. Hopefully I haven’t upset anyone. I only hope that we can all learn to be more sensitive to our fellow ladies because we never know what they are going through or have been through.
This post was a load off my shoulders.
